Wednesday, November 25, 2015

A Note to Myself

When I broke up, I leave everything - I mean *everything* - behind and move on. Today, that is the stupidest decision I made. I should have stayed in that dimension, make gallons of lemonade, and keep being awesome in something I am good at. He broke my heart and made me cry, and I let go all possible opportunities because I want to disconnect from him. Nope. It doesn't sound so cool. Anyway, it was one of the hardest moments in my life. I was getting rid as many as I can from my sinking ship. I survive and I get another chance in life.

Today I almost make the same mistake. I almost walk away from another dimension just because it gets more acidic from the lemons thrown at me - a partner is giving me a hard time.

*stomping my feet*, *chin up*
This is *my* world. I have work hard for this. I am not going to stop and step away just because some people makes it little harder.
I refuse to do that.

It will be painful, I will cry, and I might need more counselling session. I'll take that. I am going to take up the beating rather than feeling stupid in the future. Once is enough.

Those people, they will say whatever they want to say, they will do whatever they want to do. They *never* mean to hurt you. But who are we kidding - it still hurts.

We only have ourselves to care. People who make you undergo hard times are not worthwhile for anything other than to make you a better person.
Take it as a challenge, *be* a better you.

Be scared, do it scared, take the step and cross the threshold.
As long as you stay alive, you still have options to choose.
Don’t hate, love them anyway. And love yourself more. Be selfish in that sense.

Here. Have some lemonade.

Rainbow Make Me Cry

Menangis sebab lepas hujan pagi ni pelangi tak kelihatan. I want to stay in my car longer and wait for it, but duty call. Adakah aku menangis kerana tak nampak pelangi dalam ruang waktuku, or did I cried because I can't have the extra waiting time to wait for a rainbow?
Pelangi bukan sentiasa muncul setiap kali lepas hujan. Am I going to cry every time?
Hujan diturunkan bukan untuk mencipta pelangi. Hujan diturunkan oleh Maha Pencipta untuk menghidupkan bumi.

There's rainbow forming somewhere, anyway; with or without rain.

Hold on there, dear darling. Hold on a little longer.
Masa gembira bukan selamanya. So does bad times.

Monday, November 23, 2015

100 KM and First Runniversary

Alhamdulillah. I achieve my 100 kilometers running target. Yeay! And it's my one year running anniversary. Another yeay! I can't believe I have run the distance and one year have passed. Rasa macam baru je mula berlari. Seriously.

Why I run?

I started running because I want to manage and contribute to Revert Sports Club (RSC) properly. If I can't understand the runners' need, I can't find the opportunity to contribute and to improve. Asking and observing will do the job, but what's the use of going to Gemba Kaizen course if I can't do this much. Yep, too serious kan? Oh well, if I am going to do something for dakwah, I better do my best. Ini kan ibadah, I thought.

Running Evolution

"This is my final run"
"I won't run that much"
"I'll just be the luggage/water girl"

Jawatan yang akhir tu sampai hari ni tak dapat!

After a while, running is no longer RSC business. I conciously decide that running will be a part of me. I actually learn many things from running. Siap dengan falsafahnya. Bunyi derap kaki berlari (baca: joging) umpama sembang yang rancak. Lepas beberapa ketika, bunyi degup jantung menjadi perlahan dan fikiran jadi fokus. It's the heart that is complicated. Muahahahaha. Muscle pain and blisters? It’s the reminder to appreciate health and stay fit. To be grateful to Allah. Hehehe. I believe I am the type who thinks well when I am on the road. A true street philosopher? Meh~

You can run alone. But running together is much more thrilling than running alone. Walaupun berlari seorang diri, atau ketinggalan jauh di belakang, rasa teruja mengenangkan ada kawan-kawan menanti di akhir garisan - priceless. Runners are known to be very supportive. So you know you always have the support you need, walaupun dari individu yang tak dikenali. That, together with the adrenaline, is a good combo for life.

Keep Running
Selepas setahun - masih berjogging, masih tiada perancangan untuk personal best, masih tiada improvement plan. But somebody told me that slow or fast, a mile *is* a mile. Hehehe. So I'll keep on running. Maybe in the future, while running certain kilometers, I will decide on something. Besides, you can't just stop loving something *just like that*. Did I say "love"? Wow. Where is 'Aini?! :p

Dear RSC: My family and running partners...
(I wrote it while remembering Meghan Trainor's Dear Future Husband)

Hmmmm. Let see.
Thank you. You are everything a beginner needs to take the first step and run, you are everything a runner needs to endure the run and cross the finishing line.
That's it.
No, you don't want to know how much I love you and miss you and always want to spend time with you.
Let's end the speech just like this.

Future Running

Semoga Allah beri kesempatan, kelapangan, kemudahan, dan kesihatan untuk berlari di masa hadapan. Semoga Allah masih izinkan untuk berdakwah bersama-sama RSC dengan cara ini. Semoga Allah beri berkat inisiatif RSC. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan semua runner yang berlari dengan Allah dalam hati.

It's supposed to be a warmth moment to share with my darlings. Unfortunately, I had an episode of emotional avalanche while two important people in my running life - one is dealing her own difficult time (we still run together but I'm giving her the space) and another one can't decide if he is still upset with me (my fault...).
I can't have proper celebration without you.

Friday, November 20, 2015

A Peaceful Dreamless Sleep

When you have cried too much, when you have endure all types of pain, all you want to do is run and curl up into a ball somewhere far from everybody. There's a sharp pain in your chest - your heart is crushed - you need to hug yourself because it feels like you are going to lost control. You clenched your hands; holding on to the last bit of hope to stop you from falling off the ledge.

You close your eyes.
Hoping to undo a lot of things. Wanting to erase scenes you no longer have the courage to revisit. Desperate to forget moments that is too painful to remember.
Hopefully when you wake up, it was a peaceful dreamless sleep.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Kwon Soo Ah

Reference: Sassy Go Go
Recap: DramaBeans

Kwon Soo Ah's Character Description:

Ranked second place in school and a member of the Baek Ho club. Her mother pressures her to become first place and get into an Ivy League school. Hence, she resorts to manipulating the people around her in order to meet her mother's expectations. She is unapologetic for hurting others and insensitive to their feelings.

I must be crazy - of all the character, I am writing about Soo Ah.
She a b*, she did plenty of bad stuff, and she is worth hating. But if you ask me, she doesn't look happy doing it. She looks terrified and super desperate. Every time she sold her soul to the dark side, I am seeing it as the opportunity she really needs to get away from the ledge. The only way out for her.

In my opinion rather than being a solid antagonist, Soo Ah is another misunderstood character in the middle of bustling high school. Her character's background was written very well; it leaves me walking along the love-hate line. You hate her for choosing the dark side, but you can't hate her enough to give up on her because you know the caused to the despicable behaviour.

Soo Ah has been brainwashed by her ambitious mother. The devil with power. Ivy League, Ivy League, Ivy League - that's all she has to say. She made it sound that that is the world, the only way Soo Ah will find happiness. Anybody who grows up with that much pressure, being defined by school rank, and treated no more than just a golden player in a team - would do what Soo Ah did. Fine, maybe not all, but we can agree most of it doesn't develop good personality. The way she talks to Soo Ah is so not mother like and easily mistaken as a consultation. Gah. I hate that scene in episode 10. My heart sunk.

People like Soo Ah always and all the time need chances. Not second chances, but a lot of chance. And at least *one* soul that keep holding on and not give up. It's risky, I know. She can be a pure evil. But hey, there can be hope as well. That is Ha Dong Jae; one soul that is treating her differently from others. Someone who is not affected by her devilish aura (well Dong Jae got kicked out from baseball team because of her). His phlegmatic personality always negate Soo Ah's tantrum.

If you are in Soo Ah's position, wouldn't you wish to have a Dong Jae to be there for you?
I would. I wish I have a Dong Jae during my toughest time.

Everything that happens after Soo Ah's suicide attempt is what a friend should do for another friend. It was heartwarming to see them cheering for Soo Ah and to see how the supports she received have positive effect on her emotional recovery.

It is easy to judge someone.
It is easy to give up on someone.
It is easy to ignore someone.
It is easy to overlook the importance of support.

Enduring is hard.
Reaching out for help is harder.
Admitting that we need help is the hardest.

Soo Ah ya, hope to see you in next episode. Fighting!

Kim Yeol, please stop smiling! Hehehe~

Friday, September 11, 2015

Goodbye Ben Jern

Oh my... another good bye. Why laaaaaaaaaa~!

Today, we bid farewell and we wish a great future to our one and only Loh Ben Jern of #BenHafiz FlyFM. Our heroes of insanity.

It's the final 30 minutes of flying with Ben's craziness... So sad! Huhuhuhuhu. Ben Jern has been on air since 10 PM last night - slumber party katanya - and I only sleep 3 hours plus, listening to him sambil kemas barang.

I know, some of you might think: "What is wrong with this girl, crying over a DJ...". Clearly, you don't know Ben, you never listen to these #FunnyBigBoys #BenHafiz and you never listen to Mrs. Boopathy and Pak Jamil or their Krappi Call. They are the only person on earth who can make Malaysians do *obviously* crazy stuff over a phone call. Hahahaha. Ben is the most adorable talking goat. LOL!

*** They are airing the Grandmother of All Krappi Call again - where Ben finally got krappi-ed ***
I was laughing madly in the car earlier this morning... And then I cried. Oh it was suddenly so emotional :'(

What I like about Ben?
Funny Big Boys
Most probably because he is so *real*. He is not physically here with you, cheering you through your morning or your day, but you feel connected. He is a banana who makes Mrs. Boopathy very much alive. I like his wicked-naughty laugh. Hahaha. And the fact that Ben memang taktau malu. Hahahaha. And Ben's level of craziness -- the sky! But you truly love him for that, because he *is* like that.

*** Why are they playing "River Flows in You" on this sad day! Huhuhu ***

Crazy Bros
I can't remember how I started listening to FlyFM - I was a HotFM fan. It started with The Breakfast Show with Hafiz and Prem (kalau tak silap lah). After Prem left, Hafiz got paired up with Ben. I think la. Hehehe. But they were in the evening. Sangat cool dengar mereka. Traffic jam was nothing as long as I got to listen to them. Jadi pagi aku dengar HotFM, petang FlyFM. Tiba-tiba Ben dan Hafiz tukar siaran waktu pagi... Mannnnnn... Susahnya nak buat decision masa tu. But I believe because BenHafiz is an awesome show, they won me.
I became the frequent flyer. My morning never be the same again. BenHafiz become a part of my life. Their wedding (I missed Ben's), their happy announcement that they're expecting a baby, the birth of little BenHafiz... Their petty argument and nonsense bet. The parodies, you can't forget the parodies.

Sad news from Ben :'(
Last Friday, Ben announces his departure from FlyFM after 9 years - crying. I cried, together with other flyers.

The countdown begins.

This week is especially bittersweet week. Bitter because it's the final days with Ben. Sweet because... come on, you can't be all bitter with Ben! In addition, it's sweet to see how Media Prima radio's team and the flyers come together for Ben. We have wedding of the year - this is farewell of the year! #GoodByeBen is number one this morning. Only God knows how many flyers stayed up for Ben's final 12 hours.

We cry again today.

Dear Ben Jern,
Our Ben Jern..
I am thankful you got electrocuted when you were a kid. I agree with Hafiz; that could be the cause of your insanity! Thank you for flying with me all these years. We had great laugh. I owe you the joy, Ben. So as much as I am saddened over your departure, I will remember you as the cheerful Ben we all love. Take care. Laugh more; spread the virus to more people. Have a great future ahead and stay awesome.

Dear Hafiz,
I'll see (hear) you on Monday. Let's make things work, shall we?

*group hug*

Friday, August 28, 2015

A Really Sad Brownies - The End of a Beautiful Love Story

It is confirmed that this week's episode will be the final episode for uri Honey Bee Couple.
Lee Jeong Hee's "Tears Didn't Fall" is perfect for today.

Because I was so sad, tears didn’t fall
I just stood at that place, and said I understood
As time stopped, my heart stopped too
Everything that happened just seemed like something from a dream
Always and forever

In short, I am devastated by the news.
*It is* silly, I know. But still, I am sad thinking that I won't be able to see this couple on screen anymore. Who cares if this is a total fake. You don't get to see Lee Jong Hyun *this* pretty everyday! And, and, and... I actually like Gong Seung Yeon.

I will remember this couple prettily.

Dear Honey Bee Couple,
You planted flowers in my heart. Please live happily.

Note: This is the moment you wish there is some truth in Kpop entertainment industry. A wish that your bias *is* a good person in real life. A hope that they're surrounded by good people who *really* care for their well-being. It is so hard to stomach the alternate universe where everything is just the opposite of the world you pictured. It is heart breaking if career comes first over true love.
xoxo, a fangirl.

Iconic Bee Couple.


Just us.

You are the most handsome and beautiful when you're in love.

You don't get to see that laugh everyday...

Comic book date!

Handsome groom and pretty bride.

The moment time stopped...

LJH's exclusive expression.

*The* picture that SY took in Jejudo.

Couple song! I am excited to hear the song; I can't get the tune out of my mind.

The finale... Huhuhuhuhu

The wedding picture that I love~~

My favorite scene :)

Friday, August 21, 2015

I Think of You

"When the sun shines on the sea, I think of you.
When the dim moonlight is on the spring, I think of you."

From The Classic

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Strong, Smart, and Brave

“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.”
- Ziad K. Abdelnour

I am not strong, not smart, and not brave.
I honestly feel like I am not any of it lately. There were days where I questioned my decision to live with this particular personality and identity. There were moments when I ask myself why I need to wear this mask and then regret taking it off. Recently, I have been wondering what happen to the full-of-spirit girl - the girl who sees her path and took it positively and bravely. I don't feel like that girl anymore. Not so much.

Even strong, smart, and brave people need a moment to be their human self. You know, the sides that you rarely see or never know were there.

Sometime I just feel like frowning. I just want to take off the smiling mask and frown... freely. Without anyone asking me to justify the reason I am frowning. Without anyone who would tell me that it is okay to do that, but then added that a better person won't do it. Without anyone to try too hard to make the frowning disappear. Without anyone to judge me. Without anyone to fix me.
I just need someone who would say that it is fine; he/she won't say a word and will silently sit beside me.

Personally, as years goes by, I am more determined to simplify myself to fit into my complicated life. Not many things matter that much anymore. It's not that I don't want it; it's just not my current priority.

Today, I make it my top priority to be strong, smart, and brave - for myself and for those I love.


Monday, August 17, 2015

A Sad Day for Brownies - Uri Bee Couple is Leaving

Lee Jong Hyun is the cool and mysterious musician you fall in love every time. He doesn’t have that idol persona compare to other CNBLUE members. He is a man with less words and expression. His world is music. The only way to get to know him is through his music. You need to listen to his music. You need to see him performing with his eyes close. [Coward] [Thank You] [Yes] [Love Rides the Rain] [II Will.Forget You] [Sleepless Night] [Love is...] [My Miracle] [Lie] [Voice]

That is why to see him as a different person in We Got Married 4 is very *exciting*. It is addicting. BOICEs would agree with me, who would have thought LJH has those sides. No one. I cringe when he showered Gong Seung Yeon with compliments and sorts in the first few episodes. Where is uri LJH?! I was convinced that LJH is actually a player in real life behind that cool Busan namja facade after a while. And the sweet and cute GSY... it's nice to see her with LJH. I mean, we all understand - it's LJH - normal girls would react positively and exactly like that around him. But to see them together is just... good. They look good together.

That smile. That dimples. That laugh. That aegyo. The way they teases each other.

WGM is well-known for being a scripted-but-not-scripted reality show. Totally understand that. Though I am with the Brownies - wanting the relationship to be real, we get the point. Really.

But today - after that crazily adorable wedding, lovely first dance, and beautiful Jeju trip plus the sweet parasailing confession - WGM announce that the Bee Couple is leaving the show.

Excuse me, but you break my heart.

It is understandable that CNBLUE is making a comeback and LJH need to focus o his music. We BOICEs want him to do that. And CNBLUE will be super busy *as always* during promotion - he won't have time for WGM. Yong also left WGM and ended the Goguma fever for their first album. I have been preparing myself for their departure since I got the news.
But not today. Not after that crazily adorable wedding, lovely first dance, and beautiful Jeju trip plus the sweet parasailing confession.
Even the thrill of CNBLUE's comeback can't cover up the frustration.

It. is. just. too. soon. It doesn't matter they haven't film the final episode.It is still too soon! And you're showering us with those sweetness overload.
Gah. So mean.

Me, being childish.
Sincerely, so what.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

My Heart is So Tired

My heart is so tired.
The end.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Bila Berasa Lelah dan Tidak Berdaya


Memahami jawapan dari Allah adalah satu rahmat.
Semoga aku dikalangan orang yang bertuah, yang dapat memahami 'bicara' Allah.
Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.


Jika kau berasa lelah dan tidak berdaya
daripada usaha yang sepertinya sia-sia
Allah tahu betapa keras engkau sudah berusaha.

Ketika kau sudah menangis sekian lama
dan hatimu masih terasa pedih
Allah sudah menghitung air matamu.

Jika kaufikir bahawa hidupmu sedang menunggu sesuatu
Dan waktu terasa berlalu begitu saja
Allah sedang menunggu bersama denganmu.

Ketika kaufikir bahawa kau sudah mencuba segalanya
dan tidak tahu hendak berbuat apa lagi
Allah punya jawapannya.

Ketika segala sesuatu menjadi tidak masuk akal
dan kau berasa tertekan
Allah dapat menenangkanmu.

Jika tiba-tiba kau dapat melihat jejak-jejak harapan
Allah sedang berbisik kepadamu.

Ketika segala sesuatu berjalan lancar
dan kau berasa ingin mengucap syukur
Allah telah memberimu rahmat.

Ketika sesuatu yang indah terjadi
dan kau dipenuhi ketakjuban
Allah telah tersenyum padamu.

Ketika kau memiliki tujuan untuk dipenuhi
dan mimpi untuk digenapi
Allah sudah membuka matamu
dan memanggilmu dengan namamu.

Ingatlah bahawa di mana pun kau
atau ke mana pun kau menghadap,
Allah SWT Maha Tahu dan Maha Mendengar.


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A Picture with Thousand of Beautiful Comments


Alhamdulillah. Everything is getting better - health, mood, feeling, spirit... heart - all moving into a positive direction. Hari yang indah; secara spontan aku berbisik "hari yang baik untuk membuat keputusan yang baik".

I slept well last night, after weeks of sleepless nights. When you're not living the days properly, you will not be able to rest properly at night. Nursing my health conditions while juggling between career and volunteer works, I have push myself into a fatigue state over my limit. I had terrible Tuesday yesterday. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed *and* under the weather. There were hints of gastritis and I have no appetite for food. I had to forced my self to eat some breakfast before dragging my foot for work; *teary eyed*.

But somehow I manage to pull myself together and search the best from the dimension, Alhamdulillah, for the inspiration. Two Caucasian male visitors chatted about their preferable morning drink made me smile. "Hey, we should go out for some tea sometime", I thought. It's weird to be happy over this, but I feel better knowing that we share same tea opinion. Hahaha.
Logging into my laptop as expected would bring the mood down a little bit. But it goes sky high when I get the text from Kak Dillah explaining her latest charity iniative. "I was inspired by what you did in Penang", "I like the tag in the picture", showing the dakwah message I carry for running. Rasa semua penat lelah dan selesema "ditanggalkan" dari badan. I must show my support! I must contribute something!

There were hiccups along the day. Heartbreak and frustration. Sadness and unpleasant feeling. But Alhamdulillah, I manage to get through it. Sedikit demi sedikit, Allah permudahkan urusan semalam. Jiwa mula jadi lebih kuat, hati mula jadi lebih tenang. I cried a little while talking to Tok. She might not remember what I told her and what she told me, but it was calming to pour my heart out to someone. Well Tok is not just someone!
I had a surprisingly comfortable "sembang" session. I never thought I could open up to a stranger like that. A good beginning. We said good night and I goes to sleep - a deep REM sleep.

And today is a better day!  It was after rain - one of my favourite moment - and there was a huge rainbow on the sky. I am bouncing happily. Okay that make me sounds like a rabbit. Hahaha. Today is one of the day where I am genuinely happy and smiling, people just can't resist the needs to smile and response back cheerfully to me. Of course, hari macam ni adalah limited edition.

Tahu apa yang menjadikan hari ni sangat baik?
Gambar di bawah.
It's a photo from Human of New York of a two Muslims praying in Central Park. The photo is beautiful, but the comments it received even more beautiful.
There are thousands of beautiful comments from Muslims and Not Yet Muslims. Allah is enough for me; but reading those comments today where Islam is being misundertood, is... wonderful. Islamophobia exists, but we are assured that they are people who would stand with us and that we are not totally and absolutely misunderstood.
There is still hope. There is still a lot of work for each Muslims.
Do dakwah. Convey the message. Explain about Islam. Make them understand.

Original photo:
Read the comments!


Monday, April 27, 2015


Today is big fat *of course* cute panda practicing kungfu no stop over the weekend Monday. With completely failed mix-and-match outfit. *Sigh* I don't feel like working or eating, but the ticking time and headache were killing me. So I fished the mini Snickers from my running bag and bite it off as breakfast. Some sugar sometime helps. I strolled the usual road half awake and keep reminding myself that I must maintain my focus until I get into the building. Be safe.

As I was approaching the main gate, my mind slowly tuned into a more stable condition. There are challenges I need to face behind those doors and feeling like a panda certainly not the best way to handle it. Take a deep breath, jawab salam pegawai keselamatan sambil senyum 7 saat and I am good to go.... after I paused a few seconds in front of my favorite photo hangin in the walkway.
Now I am good. I think.
While in the elevator, I realised that I am humming to Backstreet Boys' "Inconsolable". Entah sejak bila. Fine. It has been BSB and Inconsolable week pun. For an unknown reason, this song is stuck in my mind. It is not because I am inconsolable.
I think I just love the tone and voice of my *cough* crush *cough*. Bersungguh-sungguhnya BSB nyanyi lagu ni. Hahaha.

Today's playlist consist of:

+ Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
(I tried to go on like I never knew you, I’m awake but my world is half asleep, I pray for this heart  to be unbroken, But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete)

+ Backstreet Boys "Inconsolable"
(I don't wanna waste another day, Keepin' it inside, it's killing me, Cause all I ever wanted comes right down to you, I wish that I could find the words to say, Baby I'ma tell you, every time you leave, I'm inconsolable)

+ Westlife "Unbreakble"
(And whenever you smile, I can hardly believe that you're mine)

Still nursing my health condition. I hope my mind can finally stop being active unnecessarily and allow me to rest properly. Need. to. write. about. Valdor! Before I forget the feeling.

Have a great week before long weekend, darling!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Under The Weather Exit Door

When you are under the weather and you did not get *the* attention from specific individuals in a list your unwell mind created:
1) Read recap on Korean drama/variety shows that make you smile/laugh
2) Listen to nice songs; songs from your *time*
3) Eat whatever food you have in mind
4) Repeat

I am not myself when I am unwell. If you think I am pushy and demanding and manja, multiply that thought by 3 - you'll get the unwell me.
Today is one of those days. *This* is what you get for being unprepared and unfit. I ran 11.8 km for Valdor Run 2015 last Sunday (19-April-2015). Yeay. Love the medal. This time, it is really blood and sweat. Jari kaki melecet sampai berdarah. Not only that, I had the worst after-run Monday yesterday. Rasa nak demam dan satu badan - bukan kaki je - sakit. Macam masuk Ultra Marathon atau Iron Man dah gayanya. Silly me. (I will properly write about the run when I am feeling better)

All I need is sleep (lots of it, maybe one hour for every liter of water I drink) and *that* particular attention as mention above. But I didn't get enough for both. On top of that, I have career hat and many other hats to wear. That's when giggling over "Grandpas Over Flowers in Greece" recap while listening to Backstreet Boys Greatest Hits helps a lot. You have no ideas how hilarious a group of people can be (Choi Ji Woo and Seo Jin). Hehehe. And it’s good to know that your heart will never be broken and that you’ll never have reason to cry! [BSB’s “I’ll Never Break Your Heart] Hey, imagination is free :p Hahaha.

Keyword: Just choose anything that makes you feel better.

Happy thoughts and brighter moods are good distraction that provides smooth transition for cognitive reframing; especially when there's a need to reduce some of the pressure from the environment. You need a lot of energy to break free from an unpleasant situation – always choose positive energy. Sometimes it is all *here* in your mind.
Break away! 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Speed Dating

I do.

It's only Tuesday and I am already losing it. My days usually consist of Monday, 3 Thursdays, Friday and weekend. Tapi minggu ni hari Khamis pertama tak kunjung tiba. Hari ni ialah hari Selasa! Huhuhu.


Kak Dilah cadangkan aku cuba "Halal Speed Dating". Because I love Kak Dilah dearly, I promise to try. The first wave of reluctance hits me when I can't find the organizer of the event, yet I need to give my personal information. Then they asked for my wali's email and phone number. Okay! I can't make myself to proceed further, so I closed the online form.

During lunch, I re-opened the site. I manage to fill out 70% of it. Then I got stuck here:
* What obstacles do you have to get yourself married ["pour your heart out", they say~]
* Dear future Husband [Share your hopes and dreams. What you would like to tell your future husband. Write in point form.]
* Your expectation from your future Husband [Write about your genuine expectations from your partner. Be very clear and use simple words. Write in point form.]

How am I supposed to express such thing in writing? In point form pulak tu. Kelemahan aku, aku tak pandai buat rumusan atau karangan pendek. I have tons to express and tell.

Lagipun aku rasa segan dengan diri sendiri. I felt that what I have to say is too gooey even for myself. I must not inflict any permanent damage to other people kan? Hahaha.

So I closed it, again.

I am still considering this event. Giving out personal details *online* is a big issue for me. I am a very private person. Dulu nombor telefon aku pun tak ramai tahu. It is strictly to close friends only. Sekarang je nombornya berterbangan bersama poster aktiviti.
Besides, a part of me feels like I don't need to go to this extent. I am not getting younger - that's true - and I need to make effort to find a potential spouse - true again - but a speed dating? Hmmm. Di hujung senarai aku yang panjang sekalipun, tak pernah wujud keperluan untuk cari jodoh macam ni.

In between sleepless, sleepiness, and oversleep, I believe what I need is 3 rounds of 8 hours REM sleep to think this through. I am still figuring out how to express those things up there without being perasan, syok sendiri and gooey. Yang paling penting, tidak menakutkan orang yang membacanya.

Mission: I am possible.

Semoga Allah tunjukkan jalan. Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Selfish Selfless

"Sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless."
- Edward Albert

Human beings are selfish being. We are selfish in each decision we made, each direction we choose to run, each path we choose to walk, each option we consider. We are selfish for not choosing.

If you're going to be selfless, be selfless with no regret.
If you're going to be selfish, be selfish for something worthy.

That is the price we all need to pay; whether you're selfish or selfless.
I am sorry.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Ujian Buat Aqidah


Berpinar mata dua tiga hari ni. Allah sahaja yang tahu segala apa yang ada dalam hati ni. Bohonglah kalau dikatakan tidak terkesan. Kita manusia; hanya manusia.
Tapi kita nombor satu: hanya HAMBA. Hamba ALLAH.
Nah wake up call, seperti yang dikongsikan oleh seorang saudara.
Aku sangat setuju. Berhati-hati dan beringat-ingat dalam berkata-kata. In Islam, there's always a better way to do something.
Mengingatkan sendiri, dan semua yang dikasihi.
Semoga bermanfaat.

GST, Ujian Buat Aqidah

Berhati-hati dalam berkata...
Bagi saya, GST ini adalah ujian keimanan buat kita semua. Kerajaan tu hanya "asbab" untuk Allah berikan ujian. Jangan kita terlampau melampau dalam mempersoalkan hal rezeki seolah-olah kita menyatakan Allah itu miskin dan tidak mampu rezekikan kita seperti biasa selepas perlaksanaan GST.

Iman kena jaga betul-betul. Jika perlu kita kritik, kritiklah dengan ilmiah untuk penambahbaikan kepada semua. Jangan dikaitkan soal rezeki, kemiskinan, kekayaan sebab semua itu dalam jagaan Allah. Jangan kita jadi manusia yang tidak bersyukur hanya kerana kebencian kita terhadap golongan tertentu.

Kata seorang Imam, sekiranya langit dan bumi bertukar menjadi besi, lalu terdetik dalam hatiku "mana nak dapat rezeki kalau macam ni?" maka sesungguhnya daku telah melakukan syirik yang sangat besar (kerana mempertikaikan Allah sebagai "Ar-Razzaq"-pemberi rezeki).

Ramai yang mengeluh tentang harga barang dan lain-lain sampai ucapan mereka boleh merosakkan akidah. Sedangkan esok lusa kita akan mati. Jadi bayar cukai, bayar barang mahal ni tak lama. Sampai kita mati je. So, kalau kita mati esok, ya sampai esok jelah kita bayar GST.
Tapi dosa yang bertimbun, siapa nak tolong taubatkan?

Ustaz Ibnu Batoota
Penulis di Majalah ANIS, terbitan Galeri Ilmu Sdn. Bhd.


Sunday, March 29, 2015



Telur hancur, kentang lecek dan air koko. Bersarapan seorang diri hari ni. Hakim, Isma dan anak-anak pergi Pulau Pinang awal pagi ini. I'm going back to Penang as well after almost a week. Entah jam berapa tidak pasti. Susah sedikit mahu "keluar" dari rumah ni kalau dah masuk. Rahmat dan hikmah dalam ujian kesihatan kali ni - dapat meluangkan masa di Taiping selama 6 hari. Memang patut pun memandangkan aku dah gunapakai cuti minggu lepas untuk aktiviti di Penang.
Pagi yang sunyi tanpa anak-anak.

After Mak passed away, even after Abah remarried, it is the kids that make this house a home. Rumah jadi berseri-seri dengan kehadiran Isma dan anak-anak. Aku pernah beritahu Isma, it would be hard to come home if they weren't here. Everything feels right with them in the equation. Walaupun aku tak tinggal di rumah ni, ketiadaan mereka sangat-sangat dirasai. Sebab tu setiap kali cuti sekolah dan Hari Raya, aku agak cuak kalau-kalau mereka mahu ke mana-mana. Ya, I have that controlling side :p

Dosed with painkiller, I spent most of my time resting and observing the kids. Kali ni Maklong biar je anak-anak tonton apa saja. Tenaga semua difokuskan untuk menahan sakit dan tak menangis. Sumayyah yang rajin bertanya: "Gigi Maklong sakit lagi ke?". Ambil berat sungguh dia. Hahaha. Walaupun mereka sangat aktif - Umar siap langgar aku dengan basikalnya masa aku tidur - it feels comfortable to sleep in the middle of the chaos. Ada satu petang tu, Syifa balik dari tadika dan buka buku untuk buat kerja sekolah. *That* moment is one of my favorite moment. (I try to find pictures of Hakimi helping Syifa with her schoolwork... tapi tak jumpa! That was one precious moment.) Ada satu perasaan istimewa setiap kali aku tengok anak-anak ni buat kerja sekolah. It tells me how much the time has flies. It reminds me to focus more on my family; or else I am so going to missed all the important moments.

Being away is hard. Choosing not to come home to commit with my volunteer work is harder. Every time. Walaupun InshaAllah setiap detik disumbangkan dengan ikhlas dan untuk kebaikan, sakitnya tu *di sini*. That is why each event that I volunteered is serious business for me. I am using my quality time; masa yang keluarga aku berhak untuk tuntut. Satu cabaran untuk perantau macam aku. Sometimes I envy people who can contribute more than I can and can go home to their family after that. Sangat cemburu.

Semoga Allah izinkan aku untuk mempunyai keluarga - baitul muslim. Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.
Okaylah, nak bersiap untuk balik Pulau Pinang.


Friday, March 27, 2015

From High Heels to Sport Shoes


“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
- Lao Tzu

Yes. It all begins with a single step. In my case, it also consists of all the rejection I made in the past.
I have very less interest to involve in sports and running is the last thing on my mind. I don’t hate it; I just don’t run. That is my limit.
When I finally took the challenge and ran my first 7 km, the boundary blurred out. Before I know it, I have surpasses my target this year to run 10 km: I have run 12 km!
Taking the first step begins a journey; but you need a good companion to stays on it and to finish it. I am lucky to have a supportive team in the form of Revert Sports Club (RSC).
RSC not only provide me all the support a beginner needs, they also open up the opportunity to spread dakwah and good messages via sports.

How to start a sport (or a healthier lifestyle):

1. Made up your mind – Stop making excuses and put on the sport shoes
2. Do it now – It’s now or never. Until you try something new, you don’t know your limit
3. Sign up – An event (e.g.: running), a sports club (RSC!), a gym, a healthy community (Zumba!). Anything that suits you and can assists you as a beginner
4. Commit – Get involve, build yourself, be a part of the team. Get active, keep fit and stays healthy with your new friends
5. Discipline – Must be consistent and persistent to maintain healthy lifestyle


Abah, my sister in law and now my youngest brother has started to jog. Ya! ^______^


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Si Kecil Bernama Wisdom

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West


Memang tak pernah faham kenapa gigi geraham bongsu disebut sebagai "wisdom tooth". Hahaha. Tapi selepas pembedahan kecil untuk mengeluarkan salah satu gigi geraham bongsu semalam, I think I can understand the wisdom part a little bit better. Yes. I had my wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. It was definitely a journey full of wisdom! A minor oral surgery - with document to sign, local anesthetic, *drilling* and stitching. Lebih lagi bila bangun pagi tadi dengan rahang kanan yang bengkak dan sakit - one cheek chipmunk, indeed.

Dental stuff makes me nervous. Menunggu giliran di Jabatan Pembedahan Mulut, Hospital Pulau Pinang adalah sangat mendebarkan. Even scarier than a morgue, I told Mr. T. Bagus juga dapat berbual ringan dengan beliau. The conversation distracted me from the uneasy feeling. While I was driving to hospital, I told myself that I can undergo this procedure. This is nothing compare to child birth (!). Sebab tu aku ketawa kecil ketika menandatangani dokumen pembedahan kecil - macam nak undergo C-section. Hehehe.

Alhamdulillah, Allah mempermudahkan urusan aku. Ditakdirkan juga dapat doktor dan Pembantu Perubatan yang baik. Dr. Rebecca dan Encik Pembantu Perubatan memainkan peranan yang sangat penting dalam prosedur ni. It doesn't make it less horror, but they make a better third molar extraction experience for me. Terbaring di situ dengan goggle merah (can you guess why it is red?) dan tangan yang menggeletar, I don't need more pressure from my environment. Both of them were very sweet, gentle and positive. Not only that, they are very skillful. I *believe* I am in good hands.

Sesetengah daripada kita agak skeptikal dengan fasiliti kerajaan. Aku pun, pada mulanya. Tapi perkhidmatan yang ditawarkan di Hospital Pulau Pinang amat baik. Tidak ada rungutan and it only cost me RM55. Same procedure would cost me around RM600 in private dental facility - with same story and after surgery effect minus waiting time. And I have heard "stories" about it. Semuanya bergatung kepada rezeki.

I have survive the procedure. Sekarang nak tunggu gusi dan rahang pulih pulak. The moment the anesthetic effect wears off, the procedure seems nothing. Hahaha. Sakit betul rahang dan gusi. I am so hungry and I am near gastritis - especially with painkiller - but I just can't eat properly. Merasa la makan makanan bayi berusia 6 bulan... malam tadi kisar nasi dengan kentang yang digoreng dengan bawang merah dan bawang putih. Sedap, tapi tak berselera. Pagi tadi bersarapan dengan nestum saja. Sekarang sedang fikir nak kisar nasi dengan apa pulak - carrot maybe?
Sakit pun perlu kreatif :)

Wisdom - Nanti fikir lepas sakit kurang lagi.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Waiting Places

"The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!"

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Paper Cut

Because it still hurts. Because to love like *that* still hurts. Because the thought of committing into *that* type of relationship still send me towards the edge of a cliff. A long way to fall.

My battle scars are paper cuts. Quick and clean. All over my heart.
A cut too tiny to be tended profusely, but the pain is too significant to ignore.

Luckily, like paper cut, it doesn't happen every day; it doesn't happen that often. It doesn’t give rational reason to avoid paper.

But it still hurts.

Sunday, March 15, 2015



This weekend I was blessed with the chance to attend a dakwah training. Furthermore, Allah has granted my wish to ask for dakwah tips for introverts from the speaker.

But what I am going to share in this entry is his advice about marriage - tips cari jodoh. Dari jauh tips ni datang, spontan dan tiba-tiba masa beliau menjawab soalan aku.

Katanya, forget about background. As if to say, don't think too much. Tak perlu nak fikir banyak sangat tentang kriteria. Marriage is not build only with a 100% perfect person. Tak ada manusia yang sempurna dalam dunia ni. If a person is 80% good (Islamic-comply), accept him/her and hold on to that 80%. The 20% ambiguous about him/her is what a married couple should work for. Meaning, that is where we completes each other.

We fall in love with opposite strength; we go home to live with opposite weaknesses. Terasa rangkap ni sangat siknifikan hari ni. Earlier today, someone said something similar to this - about complementing each other. It hits very close to home as I am in a deep thought about this matter. No proposal, just a provocative question that I believe is worth to think of. Might save the time in the future… Who knows kan?

Complementing each other is only one the thing in that 20%. Kita perlu juga beri komitmen terhadap sesuatu perhubungan. Commitment is a strong word, because it represent your presence. You can only fulfill your responsibility if you are *presence* in the relationship. You need to be presence to value your relationship - through hardships, wrinkles and boroi. So that you don't just have a change of heart over petty stuff.

Have you ever feel like you are following a trail of clues, but in the same time you are aware that you’re clueless? Welcome to the club.