Monday, February 23, 2015

Sad Love, Happy Love

I was driving (read: speeding) on Sultan Abdul Halim Muadzam Shah Bridge when Lee Seung Chul's "No One Else" blast through my radio. It was sunset; a very phenomenal and romantic sunset. The song fits beautifully into the mood. But this song is associated with one of Korea's best melodramatic movie, "More Than Blue" also known as "A Story Sadder Than Sadness". I cried my heart out; sampai migraine keesokkan harinya.

The movie starts off like any typical melo love movie -- BFF/soul mates (Cream and K are orphans), terminal illness (cancer), noble idiocy (K keeps his feeling for Cream a secret because Cream’s biggest fear is to be left alone) and a hero too good to be truth. Walaupun tipikal, hati dah sedih dan menangis. It was so hard to watch the hero struggling with this feeling and dealing with his illness. The scene where K helps Cream to choose her wedding dress and walk her down the aisle was so heartbreaking.

Then the second part of the movie reveals everything.
What do you know - Cream knows about the K's terminal illness and noble idiocy plan ALL THE WHILE. The only reason why she played along was to grant K's wish: for Cream to find a good and healthy man to spend her life with. Lepas tu barulah filem ni tunjukkan beberapa scene dari perspektif Cream. Masa cuba baju pengantin tu, Cream saja je ambil gambar dengan K -- that is their wedding picture. Then when he walked her down the aisle, she was so happy as if it is their wedding ceremony. The cheerful smile wiped off the moment K hands her to the fiancee. After K's death, Cream commits suicide. Masa scene ni lah aku menangis semahu-mahunya. Dang all the secrets!

Love story? Entahlah. But I guess when we love somebody; we are willing to sacrifice a lot of thing. The world, if we can. Macam K dan Cream. Stupid? Definitely. I'd want to spend my remaining time with someone I love. I'd confess my feeling. I would cherish every moment I have.
But of course, I can totally be like Cream and K. We never know kan...

Enough with this type of love. Cinta yang macam ni satu beban kepada jantung, perasaan dan akal. I've been there. It takes time to heal and restart from it. Bukanlah cinta tu perlu sentiasa gembira sahaja. But you're supposed to love, not to endure something unpleasant. Just saying.

Tak mau sedih-sedih yer. Jom tukar mood dengan lagu yang ceria. This is Lee Seung Chul's "My Love". The MV is a fan's proposal to his girlfriend. Sangat sweet. Tak tahu kenapa, tapi rasa sangat terharu masa part penari balet tu.

Love is supposed to brings the best in you. Not the opposite.

Sunday, February 22, 2015


Bercanda :D

I was eating La Boheme's vanilla muffin with a glass of skim milk while watching a football match between Selangor and JDT; and my 6 years younger only sister was dealing with her nervousness -- she need to tell Abah that her boyfriend's family is coming to discuss about the future of their relationship. Hahahahaha. Lawak betul rasanya.

I know I know. I shouldn't laugh. But I can't help myself. Bukanlah tak kesian. Hehehe. It is unusual for her to act like this. I mean she doesn’t always do what Abah wants nor that she doesn’t do what Abah forbid. Plus, she is the favorite daughter. I don't see any problem for them to start a conversation that finally leads to the news. It is not that their relationship is a secret anyway.
What I don't like about all this, is the fact that she is edging towards what she does best -- letting other people to do the important job -- me, to drop the bomb.

This would be a lot simpler to me. Frankly, I think I won't even break a sweat about it. But that is not the point. She needs to deliver this news herself. Why? Because we, the Aton family, have a very delicate feeling and we easily hurt by secondhand news. This is not just news. This is BIG news. Abah need to know firsthand. Kalau Abah dapat berita ni dari kami, most probably Abah akan kecil hati. Bila kecil hati ni, faham-faham je lah kan... Sudahlah hati memang tak berkenan.

Though I laugh and not appropriately show my sympathy to her, I understand a small portion of it. I remember the first time ‘he’ sent his regard to Mak and Abah... It feels like a job for a spy. Ambil masa yang agak lama jugak la baru dapat sampaikan. As expected, Mak dan Abah nak tahu kawan mana yang kirim salam. Then the interrogation begins. Mak was cool about it. Abah... Abah memang selamanya agak strict dengan aku bila berkaitan dengan kawan-kawan lelaki.
And *that* was nothing close to what my sister is dealing with now. I do empathize her.

I think I will have the same nervousness when my time comes. It would be super awkward because Abah and I don't have the typical father-daughter relationship. Tak pernah kot kami bercakap dari hati ke hati. Yer lah... Masing-masing keras hati, masing-masing berlagak tough. I visualized me telling Abah that I am getting married many times and it's hard every time. For that, I believe I need a gentleman that is brave enough to personally talk to Abah -- man to man. It is not guaranteed; Abah never said anything about his preferences. Tapi naluri aku rasa Abah prefer menantu yang macam tu -- yang bersungguh dengan kata dan niatya, yang boleh buat Abah yakin mampu jaga anak dara orang, yang beradab bila meminta.

*That* is among the criteria (jeng jeng jeng)

I hope my sister can deliver the news as soon as possible. We don't have much time. Walaupun keluarga sana sekadar datang merisik, tapi kami keluarga perempuan perlu jugak siapkan apa yang patut. Tambah lagi ada hati yang perlu dipujuk... In moment like this, I wish Mak is here. Badly.  Mesti takkan macam ni... We can talk and discuss about almost anything with mother, agree? *sigh*

31 is old enough to be a parent, but I doubt I am old enough to think about a child's marriage. Wouldn't you agree with me? Huhuhuhu. I want to marry off my sister every single day since the day we know about their relationship. Kata aku, itu my maternal instinct. Tapi sebenarnya aku jadi pening dan risau. But I guess when you're a parent -- a father to be specific -- there are things that you need to consider that is beyond a child's imagination. Aku faham sebahagia kecil daripada batu-batu besar yang menghalang Abah untuk berlapang hati dengan berita ni... Dalam masa yang sama, aku juga percaya all we need to do is sit down and calmly discuss about this.

Being the big sister slash the first child, sooner or later Abah would ask my opinion. If everything went well, I have a wedding to plan. Oh~! Bukanlah aku ni kakak atau anak sulung terbaik di dunia, tapi aku cuba;)

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan urusan ini ke atas keluarga kami. Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Lemon and Wisdom

“Yes no yes no yes no?
Red blue?
Yes red, no blue?
No red, yes no?
In out, up down?
Do don't, can can't?
Choices sit on the shelf life
New shoes in a shoe shop.
If the in crowds are squeezing into a must-have shoe
And the one pair left are too tiny for you
Don't feel compelled into choosing them
If you're really a size 9, buy that size.
While everyone else
Hobbles round with sore feet
Your choices should feel comfortable
Or they aren't your choices at all.
Why limp when you can sprint?”
― David Baird, Fiesta of Happiness: Be True to Yourself


I recently feel like I might have misprogrammed some part of myself.
I should have programmed myself with lesser:

I should just be a normal human being; not a person with dreams of making world a better place and spreading love everywhere I go.

Sometimes the world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear (True Colors, Phil Collins) -- that's when I will consider the good-girl-gone-bad option. Many have walked the path and they're doing fine. Why can't I?

But because I am thick of everything good -- though I am no saint -- I just can't. It is the feeling of defeat that stops me, every single time. It feels *wrong* to give up when life give you lemons; tons of it. It's just *lemons*.

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing; one storm can come and blow it all away. Build it anyway.
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach, and you know it might not ever come your way. Dream it anyway.
This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today. Believe it anyway.
You can love someone with all your heart for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away. Love them anyway. (Anyway, Martina McBride)

The most important thing, Islam and Rasulullah S.A.W never taught us, Muslims, to retaliate in such manner. Islam, through Al-Quran and Sunnah has taught us beautiful wisdom to guide us through everything in this temporary journey. Don't you want to follow this wisdom, 'Aini?

Life *is* a test. Be on Allah's side - The Creator of all tests.


Friday, February 13, 2015

Perginya Murabbi Ummah


I have known him my whole life. Through Malaysian politics of course. I was born in a family that talks politics over breakfast, lunch and dinner. A very colorful political views and beliefs if I can add more description to that.
When I begin to make sense of the world, I refuse to see him from that view anymore. But if I need to, personally, he was the only rational and sane mind in *that* world.

Sedihnya hati menerima berita kembalinya Tuan Guru Nik Haji Abdul Aziz Nik Mat kepada Yang Maha Pencipta. Pada mulanya rasa curiga dan marah - sejak TGNA dimasukkan ke hospital, acap kali benar 'kepergiannya' jadi bahan jenaka. Tambahan lagi bila aku baru sahaja 'like' berita kepulangan TGNA ke rumah. Tapi bila suami Kak Timi sahkan berita (he is someone in PAS) dan disahkan lagi dengan kebanjiran ucapan takziah di timeline Facebook... Speechless.
Perginya menghadap Illahi pada malam Jumaat, disemadikan pada penghulu segala hari, Jumaat yang mulia. Baik sekali keberangkatan beliau ke negeri abadi.

Berita sedih...

Sememangnya sejak kesihatan TGNA dilaporkan merosot, hati rasa gundah. Peritnya rasa 'bersedia' untuk melepaskan seorang ulama. Tak terbayang bumi Malaysia tanpa beliau. Kehilangan yang payah untuk berganti.
Untuk zuhud ketika bukan sesiapa dan tiada apa-apa adalah mudah. Tapi untuk kekal zuhud ketika mempunyai kuasa, pengikut dan akses kepada kemudahan aset - sangat susah. Hanya dengan taqwa. Hanya dengan taqwa. Hanya dengan rasa takut kepada Allah sahaja memungkinkan ia terjadi.

Pecahnya empangan air mata, umpama bah. Terus hati terdetik, bah yang melimpah baru-baru ini, adakah alam yang menangisi hari-hari terakhir seorang ulama? Seperti lupusnya semua harta benda, begitulah lupusnya sumber ilmu dari seorang yang telah mengabdi diri untuk menyampaikannya. Malah inilah bencana yang paling besar. Bak kata Ustaz Ebit Lew, seorang lagi orang alim telah pergi, yang tinggal adalah si pendosa - seperti aku.

Sabda Nabi sallallahualaihi wasallam:
"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menarik ilmu dengan tarikan sekaligus daripada manusia, akan tetapi ditarik ilmu dengan kematian ulama sehingga apabila tidak ada ulama, manusia akan mengambil daripada ketua-ketua yang jahil, orang bertanya dan mereka memberikan fatwa tanpa asas ilmu lalu mereka sesat dan menyesatkan orang lain." (Hadis sahih riwayat Imam Muslim.)

Sungguh kami masih perlu kepadamu, wahai murabbi ummah. Sayangnya kami kepadamu dan enggannya kami melepaskanmu, tidak terbanding dengan kehendak dan kasih sayang Allah yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang terhadapmu. Berehatlah wahai murabbi ummah. Berehat dari dunia yang melelahkanmu. Dari fitnah dan nista yang menjadi ujianmu.

Sayu hati membaca bait kata ini...

Innalillahi wa innaillaihi rajiun
Allahummagfirlahu Warhamhu Wa'afihi Waqfuanhu
Ya Allah, ampunilah dosanya, berilah rahmatMu ke atasnya, sejahtera dan maafkanlahnya.

Semoga Allah Azzawajal mengampuni dosa dan kesalahannya, tinggikan darjatnya di kalangan orang-orang yang diberi petunjuk dan janganlah keturunan sesudahnya termasuk orang-orang yang binasa. Ampunilah kami dan dia, dan lapangkanlah kuburnya serta berilah cahaya di dalamnya.
(Hadith riwayat Muslim, Ahmad, Al-Baihaqi)

I give up on Malaysian politics a long time ago. Memang tak berminat langsung. To me, politics is similar to a dirty scandal I don't want to have anything to do with. Tapi keberadaan TGNA dalam dunia politik umpama satu harapan dan panduan. Peringatan demi peringatan yang Islam tidak menolak politik, malah Islam adalah satu-satunya jalan politik yang bersih.

Terima kasih wahai murabbi ummah; untuk setiap ilmu yang telah disampaikan. Semoga Allah merahmatimu dengan segala kebaikan yang layak bagi setiap derap tapak kakimu dijalan perjuangan menuju redha Allah. Tinggallah kami bersama apa yang telah engkau tinggalkan. Tinggallah kami untuk merinduimu. Semoga dari keikhlasanmu, rindu tersebut menjadi teman dijalan perjuangan kami di masa hadapan.

Hari ini ribuan yang kasih, menghantarmu, wahai murabbi ummah.

Jiwa yang kasih kepada Allah dan RasulNya, mana mungkin tidak dikasihi makhluk. Merasai sendiri kesedihan dan melihat ribuan manusia dari pelbagai latar bangsa, agama malah politik yang menangisi pemergian TGNA, umpama satu tazkirah ringkas tentang kehidupan... Orang yang telah berpenat lelah di dunia untuk Allah, rehatnya di negeri abadi. Dan dunia menangisi kerehatan abadinya. Sebaliknya pula dengan orang yang berehat-rehat dalam menyempurnakan agamanya ketika di dunia, bakal berpenat lelah di sana. Dan dunia mendapat rehat dari kezalimannya.

Semoga kita semua tergolong dalam golongan yang mendapat rehat di sana.


"Istighfar kita hari ini, berhajatkan satu istighfar yang lain. Kita beristighfar meminta ampun kepada Allah, tetapi kita tidak memaksudkannya. Kita tidak menyesali dosa yang kita lakukan. Kita minta ampun yang kita tidak minta. Maka beristighfarlah atas istighfar yang cacat itu”.
- Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz, Perginya Murabbi Yang Setia Dengan Kebenaran, Ustaz Hasrizal, Februari 2015.


Monday, February 9, 2015

Newton Challenge 2015: The 12 KM Run


Alhamdulillah, semalam (Ahad, 8 Februari 2014) berjaya menamatkan larian 12 km untuk Newton Challenge Penang 2015. Yeay~! Dah exceed target tahun ni - 10 km. Setakat ni paling jauh 8 km. Mencabar jugak nak habiskan baki 4 km. Masuk kilometer ke-9, jari kaki mula melecet dan segala sendi dan otot dah mula rasa terbeban. Abdomen pun mula cramp. Naik bukit pulak (dendam terbaru: Mount Erskine!). By 10th kilometer, tenaga memang dah takde. The hardest part? Mestilah the final 2 km. Mental kot! Tapi berlari bersama rakan-rakan Revert Sports Club (RSC) membawa banyak perbezaan. Walaupun bukan berlari dalam kumpulan atau one-to-one pacing, you know everyone is putting their effort to complete the run and that we will meet at the finishing line. 

The route
Kilometer 9 ke 10 tu yang bikin menangis...

"YOU ARE YOUR LIMIT". Begitu slogan Newton Challenge Penang 2015. Rasa puas hati dan hilang semua penat saat mendapat ucapan tahniah daripada petugas yang menghulurkan medal. My precious! Hahahaha. Tak jemu mata memandang tau. Walaupun medal tu bukanlah seketul jongkong emas dan masa larian pun bukanlah comei sangat, tetap rasa puas hati. It's the experience that is more valuable. Kalau tak cuba sekarang, I will never know.

Sungguh gembira rasa hati lalalala ^___^

Crossing the finishing line: Dengan senyuman sampai ke telinga. Hahaha

My precious~!

For that, I would like to thank Mr. R for offering me this opportunity. Ya, I am still alive. Tak terfikir pun akan memasuki acara 12 km. Padahal masa Kak W ajak masuk 3.5 km, aku punya lah negatif kan. Hehehe. I guess I can't say no to you (except for 21 km :p). Terima kaseh jugak to my running patners Miss J and Miss I. Running with them makes it more possible. Masuk kilometer ke-9 tu dah rasa sangat penat dan sakit dan dah nak menangis. These two girls are the inspiration.

My darling running partners and a new friend.

Revert Sports Club (RSC) super supportive family.

Running Lesson with RSC, So Far

Haruko Akagi
Let's move forward together!
Discipline. With discipline, most anything is possible.
And focus. Most anything is possible if you put your mind into it.

Bila aku mula berlari, kesihatan menjadi lebih penting dari biasa. Jadi power office girl dan couch potato pun perlu jaga kesihatan. Apatah lagi bila terlibat dengan aktiviti yang memerlukan stamina dan ketahanan.
Perlu makan dengan diet yang seimbang dan boleh memberi kebaikan kepada running lifestlye.
Perlu cukup tidur (read: tidur awal) supaya cukup rehat dan dapat lebih masa (read: bangun lebih awal) untuk latihan.
In the past, I used to think that running is all physical. But that is not true. Being fit physically is only a part of it. Berfikiran positif sahaja tidak cukup untuk menamatkan walaupun larian sejauh 5 km. Mental pun perlu high endurance. Badan cergas, otak cerdas.
Apa lagi..? Perlu lebih teratur kerana berlari telah ditambah dalam senarai aktiviti yang sedia padat. Mesti adil dan rasional. Need to improve time management skills.
Dan, kerana berlari bersama Revert Sports Club (RSC) adalah satu inisiatif dakwah, perlu juga perbaiki diri. Be a better person.

I have a very long way to go. Semoga semuanya berjalan dengan lancar. Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.

Stay fit; it is sunnah.
Jom, let's #GetFit WithRSC.
Like FB kami "Revert Sports Club". Kami suka nak jumpa kawan-kawan baru :)

Come, join us!


Thursday, February 5, 2015

January to February


I am usually better in January - happier, kinder, more positive, stronger, *crazier*. If you have any wish, difficult question to ask or tough confession to make, you should do it during January. The answer and result can be very different ;-)

February... February is a tough month after Mak passed away. It is not that I am sadder or more melancholy that I already am. It just... *tough*.

This coming 28 February would be the sixth year without Mak.

And I don't have suitable phrases that doesn't sound too sad to continue.

Cherish your parents while you still have the chance and time.


Monday, February 2, 2015

Buah Tangan Simposium Baitul Muslim 1.0 -- Part 1

Lagu tema: Keluarga Bahagia

Alhamdulillah, diberikan rezeki untuk menghadiri Simposium Baitul Muslim 1.0 anjuran Majlis Ilmu Pulau Pinang pada hari Ahad 1 Februari 2015. Hampir-hampir tidak hadir – banyak betul dilema dan drama – masalah kesihatan lah, tentatif lah… sebenarnya malas (isk isk isk). Perkara baik memang berliku-liku jalannya (ayat sedapkan hati). Bagus jugak ada good friend yang berulang kali bertanya sama  ada akan hadir atau tidak. Thanks, you know who you are ^______^

Banyak betul ilmu yang didapati. Sayang kesihatan tak mengizinkan tunggu untuk slot akhir – Forum “Baiti Jannati”. Masa tunggu waktu Isyak di rumah, sempat tuliskan sedikit sahaja buah tangan dari SBM1.0. Rasa perlu kongsi sesuatu sebelum tidur. Jadi, inilah dia. InshaAllah entri lain akan menyusul

Buah tangan dari Simposium Baitul Muslim hari ni:
1) Nak pasangan yg baik, #1 kita mesti jadi baik dahulu.
2) Jadikan istikharah kebiasaan -- umpama perbincangan dgn Allah.
3) Banyakkan istighfar dan bertaubat sebelum kahwin -- jgn carry forward dosa masa bujang ke alam rumahtangga.
4) Mesti dahulukan AGAMA dalam memilih calon -- comei boleh buat! tongue emoticon
5) Mesti cinta Allah dan Rasul dahulu sebelum memburu cinta pasangan. Cintakan Allah, tahu manual hidup. Cintakan Rasul, tahu praktikal hidup. Cintakan pasangan, tahu manisnya hidup.
6) Happiness happen NOW -- dgn mensyukuri nikmat dari Allah yg tak terkira banyaknya.
7) Ikut sunnah dalam segala aspek kehidupan.
8) Proses membina Baitul Muslim bermula sejak sebelum jatuh cinta.
9) Mesti menuntut ilmu (agama) secukupnya sebelum kahwin.
10) Duit oh Duit -- Elakkan pembaziran ketika majlis perkahwinan. Ikut sunnah. Jgn membiayai perasaan seronok. NO NO to personal loan. Dahulukan rumah.