Thursday, March 2, 2017

That's The Way It Is


E-M-N-O-V

That's all you need to spell "move on". Admittedly, it is not that simple.
7 years and I am still in "move on" mode. But -- I can assure that I am "moving on" and I am making a progress.

I like to see this as a learning curve.
We learn to love, we learn to trust, and then we learn about heartbreak. Now we learn to nurse that heart. I discover a lot of thing about myself in this 7 years. Well, it started off with much pain. Hahaha. But the wisdom I gain from it is precious.

One must continue living to experience it all.

The first thing to do is to acknowledge it. Yes I am going through this and this. Yes I am feeling this and this. Mindfulness -- it's my new favorite word. It means you're aware of your feeling.
If you don't know where it hurts, you can't nurse it.

Secondly, pick up and hold on to the positive element in your life.
Buttttttt, do not involve in rebound thingy. It is because in moment like this, it is easy to feel connected to people that fills in the hole in your heart. Nope. We don't need that.
What we need if something that motivates you, something that make you value life more. I choose to volunteer. I run. Anything -- anything that make you say: Hey there's a lot more good things I can do rather that crying my heart out.

Thirdly, focus on yourself, darling. Learn your lesson.
I used to plan and build my future around him. So when the unfortunate event happened, a significant part of my world crumble. But a princess must lift her head up so that the crown doesn't fall! Begins a new life. Be a new you. Do things because you want it and put yourself first.

Next on the list is: stop looking back. If and only if the past come sneaking on you, only remember the good stuff. Let go. Free yourself from the grip. You don't forget by remembering the bad stuff. That is just a crazy opinion. It's tempting - believe me I know - not dump all the dirty laundry. But imagine this - what if you walk with tahi kucing all over your shoes. Would you be comfortable? He/she can't be that bad kan.

The last thing (at the moment) is to keep moving forward.
The quote say: Your speed doesn't matter. Forward is forward.

All above doesn't happen immediately. Most of them were discovered halfway through the 7 years until recently. I am pretty sure more is coming. It's called discovery for a reason.

On top of all that, it's our choice to make this a journey of wisdom or just another miserable thing that happen in our life.
I believe that love is something that bring goodness to life. Even after it ended.

Ok lah. That's it.
Now let's continue living :)
Or lipat kain tu be exact.

Hehehe.

By the way; this entry's subject is a song title. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Dejavu of a Surprise

Sesetengah manusia Allah anugerahkan dengan kelebihan tertentu. They are gifted. Kelebihan yang mereka sendiri tidak tahu kenapa mereka miliki, melainkan ia adalah kehendak Allah. Kehendak Allah semata-mata.
Gerak hati atau instinct adalah salah hati dari kelebihan yang banyak. Some people just know. They just... know.
Modern world always has this question: Is it a curse or a gift?
Mana mungkin anugerah Allah satu sumpahan.
Somehow, it show the way and bring them to places... places they need to go.
Somehow, it prepares them.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

It's Just a Day

Today is another tough day. Well, it feels tougher - but I have survive many days like this.

A colleague blow up on me. I irate a colleague badly today. That's the beginning of everything: people starts being honest and the truth come flooding.

I don't know - I really don't know - how I could have offended other people. I am the type who either stand in or walk away. I was scolded, I was put on my place, and I have had arguments. I am aware of that.

But most of the time, I am just here, sitting at my cubicle, doing my job. I thought if I talk less, comment less, gossip less, it would lessen the probability of any inconvenience caused by my personality. Oh yes, I am aware that I am a difficult person. That's why I choose to stay away from other people when the going got tough.

So self-aware and crying, I sent this to the closest colleague:
If I have wronged you, tell me. So that I can apologize properly.
If I have flaws, tell me. So that I can improve.
Please do not resent me for what I am not aware of.
I am sorry, I have wronged you. I am sorry, I have many flaws.
I am sorry for the inconvenience you have experienced.

When I was told that I have no common sense and that I am 'over' (this is via the incident), that I need to muhasabah more, that most people are not convenient with me, and that's why people treat me differently (the only reply, so far), now that is serious!
I started asking: What did I do?

You know the feeling when you get a speeding ticket because you exceeded the limit by 5 kmph? It feels like that. If I need to go through all the pain before this, and then *this* pain, I might as well consciously act carelessly kan. Then I deserve the beating.

Never mind. All this is bound to happen anyway. I meant to confront them, but I was too afraid to eke out even a single syllable. I would have cried badly, or even reacted miserably if I did it verbally. So today Allah make it happen.

It breaks my heart, but not that it is in good shape all this while pun. That pain, this pain, it's just painful. I naturally want to run - it went from taking a long leave to resigning my position. Typical Aini. As usual, I am reminded that I can't run now, I can't outrun this type of event. It happens anywhere, to everyone.

I am on that scary roller coaster of emotions now. I am trying very hard to handle the denial phase positively. I am trying to contain myself from finding faults in others. I won't let myself caught in blame game. I don't know what to do, or how I can face everyone here without being reminded of the feedback, but I plan to learn and improve myself - I plan to survive.

Whatever Allah allow to happen, there’s goodness in it. It’s His call to me – Aini dah jauh dari kebaikan, jadi Allah memanggil untuk kembali ke dalam limpahan kasih sayangNya. When Allah tests a servant, Allah did not abandon him. Allah will provide with whatever is needed to get through the test; as well as to learn a great deal from it.

It’s time to lower yourself, Aini.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

My Sister's Wedding

Alhamdulillah, urusan pernikahan Fatin berjalan dengan lancar. So many things happen within a short time. They were engaged in May, and around October/November they decided to get married in December as per planned; 24/25th December to be exact, the busiest time of the year. I was typically unhappy with the short notice, because I was being selfish, because I know I can't commit 100% to the wedding preparation within that time frame. Tapi kalau dah jodoh dan dah takdir macam tu...

The date. Mak dan Abah bernikah dan kenduri pada tarikh yang sama. Fatin even get a bridal outfit that is very similar to the one our parents wore on their reception day - songket merah dengan bunga emas. Yes, I was aware the whole time.

Honestly, I was clueless. I don't know what to do. Masa Hakim kahwin, Mak ada dan Mak was the one making plans and making things happened. Kami mengikut je. When Abah re-married, erm, it was his second wedding... To that, I go through a scary ride of emotional roller coaster.

Gambar terakhir sebelum nikah...

No matter what happen, I just can't not try to give someone a good and proper - if not perfect - wedding. This is my one and only sister. I know I can do so much for her... but I can't help but think what Mak would do, and her dreams. It breaks my heart.

I was a crying mess a short moment before the nikah. Masa tu saudara mara serta sahabat handai sedang berkumpul di masjid. Dalam ramai aku rasa kosong dan keseorangan. The whole world and all I need is for Mak to be there. I wish Mak was there. I want Mak to be there. Tanpa Mak, segalanya jadi tidak bermakna.

Bila seorang perempuan bernikah, semua tanggungjawab bapa serta saudara lelakinya bertukar kepada suaminya. Mak's final wish was for me to take care of my siblings. I don't know. I feel like I married off a daughter *and* a sister. While hugging her, in between sobs, I manage to eked out that now her husband is responsible for her, that I have fulfill Mak's final wish. Bercampur-campur perasaan sedih dan lega.

The truth is siblings will always be siblings. No matter the age, single or married.

Semoga Allah memberi barokah kepada kamu berdua~
My darling sister,
I am sorry I can't give you a lavish wedding. I am sorry I can't manage your wedding better. I am sorry I am not the best sister to you.
Baraka Allahu lakuma, Wa baraka 'alaykuma, Wa jama'a baynakuma Fi khayr. May Allah bless everything for you two, and shower His blessings upon the two of you, and may he bring you together in everything that is good.
Semoga Allah memberkati dan memberi barokah kepada rumahtanggamu, adik.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

A Note to Myself

When I broke up, I leave everything - I mean *everything* - behind and move on. Today, that is the stupidest decision I made. I should have stayed in that dimension, make gallons of lemonade, and keep being awesome in something I am good at. He broke my heart and made me cry, and I let go all possible opportunities because I want to disconnect from him. Nope. It doesn't sound so cool. Anyway, it was one of the hardest moments in my life. I was getting rid as many as I can from my sinking ship. I survive and I get another chance in life.

Today I almost make the same mistake. I almost walk away from another dimension just because it gets more acidic from the lemons thrown at me - a partner is giving me a hard time.

*stomping my feet*, *chin up*
This is *my* world. I have work hard for this. I am not going to stop and step away just because some people makes it little harder.
I refuse to do that.

It will be painful, I will cry, and I might need more counselling session. I'll take that. I am going to take up the beating rather than feeling stupid in the future. Once is enough.

Those people, they will say whatever they want to say, they will do whatever they want to do. They *never* mean to hurt you. But who are we kidding - it still hurts.

We only have ourselves to care. People who make you undergo hard times are not worthwhile for anything other than to make you a better person.
Take it as a challenge, *be* a better you.

Be scared, do it scared, take the step and cross the threshold.
As long as you stay alive, you still have options to choose.
Don’t hate, love them anyway. And love yourself more. Be selfish in that sense.

Here. Have some lemonade.

Rainbow Make Me Cry

Menangis.
Menangis sebab lepas hujan pagi ni pelangi tak kelihatan. I want to stay in my car longer and wait for it, but duty call. Adakah aku menangis kerana tak nampak pelangi dalam ruang waktuku, or did I cried because I can't have the extra waiting time to wait for a rainbow?
Pelangi bukan sentiasa muncul setiap kali lepas hujan. Am I going to cry every time?
Hujan diturunkan bukan untuk mencipta pelangi. Hujan diturunkan oleh Maha Pencipta untuk menghidupkan bumi.

There's rainbow forming somewhere, anyway; with or without rain.

Hold on there, dear darling. Hold on a little longer.
Masa gembira bukan selamanya. So does bad times.

Monday, November 23, 2015

100 KM and First Runniversary


Alhamdulillah. I achieve my 100 kilometers running target. Yeay! And it's my one year running anniversary. Another yeay! I can't believe I have run the distance and one year have passed. Rasa macam baru je mula berlari. Seriously.

Why I run?

I started running because I want to manage and contribute to Revert Sports Club (RSC) properly. If I can't understand the runners' need, I can't find the opportunity to contribute and to improve. Asking and observing will do the job, but what's the use of going to Gemba Kaizen course if I can't do this much. Yep, too serious kan? Oh well, if I am going to do something for dakwah, I better do my best. Ini kan ibadah, I thought.

Running Evolution

"This is my final run"
"I won't run that much"
"I'll just be the luggage/water girl"

Jawatan yang akhir tu sampai hari ni tak dapat!

After a while, running is no longer RSC business. I conciously decide that running will be a part of me. I actually learn many things from running. Siap dengan falsafahnya. Bunyi derap kaki berlari (baca: joging) umpama sembang yang rancak. Lepas beberapa ketika, bunyi degup jantung menjadi perlahan dan fikiran jadi fokus. It's the heart that is complicated. Muahahahaha. Muscle pain and blisters? It’s the reminder to appreciate health and stay fit. To be grateful to Allah. Hehehe. I believe I am the type who thinks well when I am on the road. A true street philosopher? Meh~

You can run alone. But running together is much more thrilling than running alone. Walaupun berlari seorang diri, atau ketinggalan jauh di belakang, rasa teruja mengenangkan ada kawan-kawan menanti di akhir garisan - priceless. Runners are known to be very supportive. So you know you always have the support you need, walaupun dari individu yang tak dikenali. That, together with the adrenaline, is a good combo for life.

Keep Running
 
Selepas setahun - masih berjogging, masih tiada perancangan untuk personal best, masih tiada improvement plan. But somebody told me that slow or fast, a mile *is* a mile. Hehehe. So I'll keep on running. Maybe in the future, while running certain kilometers, I will decide on something. Besides, you can't just stop loving something *just like that*. Did I say "love"? Wow. Where is 'Aini?! :p

Dear RSC: My family and running partners...
(I wrote it while remembering Meghan Trainor's Dear Future Husband)

Hmmmm. Let see.
Thank you. You are everything a beginner needs to take the first step and run, you are everything a runner needs to endure the run and cross the finishing line.
That's it.
No, you don't want to know how much I love you and miss you and always want to spend time with you.
Let's end the speech just like this.
:)

Future Running

Semoga Allah beri kesempatan, kelapangan, kemudahan, dan kesihatan untuk berlari di masa hadapan. Semoga Allah masih izinkan untuk berdakwah bersama-sama RSC dengan cara ini. Semoga Allah beri berkat inisiatif RSC. Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan semua runner yang berlari dengan Allah dalam hati.

Footnote:
It's supposed to be a warmth moment to share with my darlings. Unfortunately, I had an episode of emotional avalanche while two important people in my running life - one is dealing her own difficult time (we still run together but I'm giving her the space) and another one can't decide if he is still upset with me (my fault...).
I can't have proper celebration without you.