Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Dejavu of a Surprise

Sesetengah manusia Allah anugerahkan dengan kelebihan tertentu. They are gifted. Kelebihan yang mereka sendiri tidak tahu kenapa mereka miliki, melainkan ia adalah kehendak Allah. Kehendak Allah semata-mata.
Gerak hati atau instinct adalah salah hati dari kelebihan yang banyak. Some people just know. They just... know.
Modern world always has this question: Is it a curse or a gift?
Mana mungkin anugerah Allah satu sumpahan.
Somehow, it show the way and bring them to places... places they need to go.
Somehow, it prepares them.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

It's Just a Day

Today is another tough day. Well, it feels tougher - but I have survive many days like this.

A colleague blow up on me. I irate a colleague badly today. That's the beginning of everything: people starts being honest and the truth come flooding.

I don't know - I really don't know - how I could have offended other people. I am the type who either stand in or walk away. I was scolded, I was put on my place, and I have had arguments. I am aware of that.

But most of the time, I am just here, sitting at my cubicle, doing my job. I thought if I talk less, comment less, gossip less, it would lessen the probability of any inconvenience caused by my personality. Oh yes, I am aware that I am a difficult person. That's why I choose to stay away from other people when the going got tough.

So self-aware and crying, I sent this to the closest colleague:
If I have wronged you, tell me. So that I can apologize properly.
If I have flaws, tell me. So that I can improve.
Please do not resent me for what I am not aware of.
I am sorry, I have wronged you. I am sorry, I have many flaws.
I am sorry for the inconvenience you have experienced.

When I was told that I have no common sense and that I am 'over' (this is via the incident), that I need to muhasabah more, that most people are not convenient with me, and that's why people treat me differently (the only reply, so far), now that is serious!
I started asking: What did I do?

You know the feeling when you get a speeding ticket because you exceeded the limit by 5 kmph? It feels like that. If I need to go through all the pain before this, and then *this* pain, I might as well consciously act carelessly kan. Then I deserve the beating.

Never mind. All this is bound to happen anyway. I meant to confront them, but I was too afraid to eke out even a single syllable. I would have cried badly, or even reacted miserably if I did it verbally. So today Allah make it happen.

It breaks my heart, but not that it is in good shape all this while pun. That pain, this pain, it's just painful. I naturally want to run - it went from taking a long leave to resigning my position. Typical Aini. As usual, I am reminded that I can't run now, I can't outrun this type of event. It happens anywhere, to everyone.

I am on that scary roller coaster of emotions now. I am trying very hard to handle the denial phase positively. I am trying to contain myself from finding faults in others. I won't let myself caught in blame game. I don't know what to do, or how I can face everyone here without being reminded of the feedback, but I plan to learn and improve myself - I plan to survive.

Whatever Allah allow to happen, there’s goodness in it. It’s His call to me – Aini dah jauh dari kebaikan, jadi Allah memanggil untuk kembali ke dalam limpahan kasih sayangNya. When Allah tests a servant, Allah did not abandon him. Allah will provide with whatever is needed to get through the test; as well as to learn a great deal from it.

It’s time to lower yourself, Aini.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

My Sister's Wedding

Alhamdulillah, urusan pernikahan Fatin berjalan dengan lancar. So many things happen within a short time. They were engaged in May, and around October/November they decided to get married in December as per planned; 24/25th December to be exact, the busiest time of the year. I was typically unhappy with the short notice, because I was being selfish, because I know I can't commit 100% to the wedding preparation within that time frame. Tapi kalau dah jodoh dan dah takdir macam tu...

The date. Mak dan Abah bernikah dan kenduri pada tarikh yang sama. Fatin even get a bridal outfit that is very similar to the one our parents wore on their reception day - songket merah dengan bunga emas. Yes, I was aware the whole time.

Honestly, I was clueless. I don't know what to do. Masa Hakim kahwin, Mak ada dan Mak was the one making plans and making things happened. Kami mengikut je. When Abah re-married, erm, it was his second wedding... To that, I go through a scary ride of emotional roller coaster.

Gambar terakhir sebelum nikah...

No matter what happen, I just can't not try to give someone a good and proper - if not perfect - wedding. This is my one and only sister. I know I can do so much for her... but I can't help but think what Mak would do, and her dreams. It breaks my heart.

I was a crying mess a short moment before the nikah. Masa tu saudara mara serta sahabat handai sedang berkumpul di masjid. Dalam ramai aku rasa kosong dan keseorangan. The whole world and all I need is for Mak to be there. I wish Mak was there. I want Mak to be there. Tanpa Mak, segalanya jadi tidak bermakna.

Bila seorang perempuan bernikah, semua tanggungjawab bapa serta saudara lelakinya bertukar kepada suaminya. Mak's final wish was for me to take care of my siblings. I don't know. I feel like I married off a daughter *and* a sister. While hugging her, in between sobs, I manage to eked out that now her husband is responsible for her, that I have fulfill Mak's final wish. Bercampur-campur perasaan sedih dan lega.

The truth is siblings will always be siblings. No matter the age, single or married.

Semoga Allah memberi barokah kepada kamu berdua~
My darling sister,
I am sorry I can't give you a lavish wedding. I am sorry I can't manage your wedding better. I am sorry I am not the best sister to you.
Baraka Allahu lakuma, Wa baraka 'alaykuma, Wa jama'a baynakuma Fi khayr. May Allah bless everything for you two, and shower His blessings upon the two of you, and may he bring you together in everything that is good.
Semoga Allah memberkati dan memberi barokah kepada rumahtanggamu, adik.