Today is another tough day. Well, it feels tougher - but I have survive many days like this.
A colleague blow up on me. I irate a colleague badly today. That's the beginning of everything: people starts being honest and the truth come flooding.
I don't know - I really don't know - how I could have offended other people. I am the type who either stand in or walk away. I was scolded, I was put on my place, and I have had arguments. I am aware of that.
But most of the time, I am just here, sitting at my cubicle, doing my job. I thought if I talk less, comment less, gossip less, it would lessen the probability of any inconvenience caused by my personality. Oh yes, I am aware that I am a difficult person. That's why I choose to stay away from other people when the going got tough.
So self-aware and crying, I sent this to the closest colleague:
If I have wronged you, tell me. So that I can apologize properly.
If I have flaws, tell me. So that I can improve.
Please do not resent me for what I am not aware of.
I am sorry, I have wronged you. I am sorry, I have many flaws.
I am sorry for the inconvenience you have experienced.
When I was told that I have no common sense and that I am 'over' (this is via the incident), that I need to muhasabah more, that most people are not convenient with me, and that's why people treat me differently (the only reply, so far), now that is serious!
I started asking: What did I do?
You know the feeling when you get a speeding ticket because you exceeded the limit by 5 kmph? It feels like that. If I need to go through all the pain before this, and then *this* pain, I might as well consciously act carelessly kan. Then I deserve the beating.
Never mind. All this is bound to happen anyway. I meant to confront them, but I was too afraid to eke out even a single syllable. I would have cried badly, or even reacted miserably if I did it verbally. So today Allah make it happen.
It breaks my heart, but not that it is in good shape all this while pun. That pain, this pain, it's just painful. I naturally want to run - it went from taking a long leave to resigning my position. Typical Aini. As usual, I am reminded that I can't run now, I can't outrun this type of event. It happens anywhere, to everyone.
I am on that scary roller coaster of emotions now. I am trying very hard to handle the denial phase positively. I am trying to contain myself from finding faults in others. I won't let myself caught in blame game. I don't know what to do, or how I can face everyone here without being reminded of the feedback, but I plan to learn and improve myself - I plan to survive.
Whatever Allah allow to happen, there’s goodness in it. It’s His call to me – Aini dah jauh dari kebaikan, jadi Allah memanggil untuk kembali ke dalam limpahan kasih sayangNya. When Allah tests a servant, Allah did not abandon him. Allah will provide with whatever is needed to get through the test; as well as to learn a great deal from it.
It’s time to lower yourself, Aini.