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Different Home


I've trying to write this post since last Saturday. Now I am not sure if I can write it properly. OK, here we go again...

I was at Taiping last weekend to settle some business. Abah was at his hometown in Kedah for his side's reception. Silently, I am grateful for that. I will have some time to adjust and to compose myself. I need time, no matter how fast I can adapt to a new environment. When we're talking about major adjustment, like your parent remarried, please take some time to prepare yourself. This is sensitive issue; I might lose control over some missing forks.

When I arrived, the house was empty. That was normal. My younger brother would be in our neighbour's house cum his babysitter [though I think he is too old for something like 'babysitter'] as usual. Should I expect new arrangement of furniture, newly painted walls? Ok, the painted walls never came on my mind but I did consider about the new arrangement of furniture. It wouldn't hurt to admit that I spent some time checking the house, yes. As a conclusion, I didn't spot any major change in the house. Everything is exactly in their usual place, just tidier than to few months back.

At first, I was going to describe every little difference about our house; tidier, the floor cleanly swept, the dishes were well cleaned, even the house smells like a house of living people. But that just not it. A different home, after all, is what my mind wants me to believe. I am, without realizing it, was trying to protect my memories of Mak. I was terrified that the memories would change when the house changed. If given authority, like I said, not even one fork should be out of its place.

I remember what Pak Long said when I offered him Mak's belonging as a memory token. He told me, memories should not be represented by anything tangible, for everything tangible is prone to aging and move in time. You'd be hanging to it and feeling sad [once again] whenever something happen to your memory token. Pak Long took none of Mak's belonging.

The same with our home. Mak's memories linger in every corner. If memories can be bottled up, we would need a new house just for the jars. It's insane to expect no changes at all and it is even crazier if we want to prevent it from happening at all. Mama is our family now. As far as she would want to respect our memories with Mak [I have no doubt at all] we must be fair to her. What's a [new] beginning when you are trapped frozen in time? It's her home too. She is the lady of the house now and she have the right to change anything for the better.

[I'm not going to talk on behalf of anyone; I'm going to share what I feel]
Memories should not be tangible. It should be in our heart, sealed it with love and all strength. Even with all that, there will be time when we feel like the memories are fading and being wiped away. When this happen, we tend to relate it with events happening in life. But the truth is, those events can't touch our memories. It's our ego and fear that allow us to feel infuriated by the events. Human mind decayed and we must accept the fact and move on. Moving on doesn't mean that we have forget. It's here, in our heart, for as long as Allah allows us to keep.

I figured, it must be harder for my other siblings since they grew up in that house with Mak. It is hard enough for me; despite that I just joined them back on 2002. I spent lesser time in the house and have lesser memory with Mak.

My do'a...
Allah, enlighten us with your love and help us see all the good thing You have given us. Allah, please send Your Rahman and Rahim to our family and let our heart hold on together under Your Blessing. Allah, protect us from satan that whispers bad thoughts through our veins.



atreyu strange said…
Gosh. You almost brought me to tears! T__T
'Aini said…
Jen; wrote it with teary eyes...

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