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Mak --- 1 Year

Assalamualaikum,

This coming 28 February will mark one year of Mak's decease. It has been one year... 12 long months without Mak. Everything feels so new, so fresh... like it was yesterday.

There were moments carved forever inside me --- in my mind and my heart. Those moments were the moments that changed every single sense of my existence. To tell you the truth, as a normal and average human being, I never foresee any of those moment ever going to occur in my life.

I remember the day Abah told us about the possibility of the cancer growing inside Mak's lung. I said: "The probability is 50-50... The test will come out negative. It will be another misdiagnosed and Mak will apparently have another minor complication".

I remember the day it was confirmed. I said: "Ya Allah. Could this happen to Mak? Could this happen to me? There must be a way out of this. Besides, the doctor said it was still in stage 1. There will be hope... Mak will have her chance."

I remember the day at Institut Jantung Negara (IJN), when the doctor was explaining about the possibility of an operation. I said: "Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. There's hope." Mak was glowing.

I remember the day Achik called me from IJN --- operation is not possible, the cell is too near to her heart and her liver complication made her fragile to the medication and anesthetic. Achik said Mak was so calm. I cried and said: "Ya Allah. What have Mak did that she has to face this?"

I remember when Mak and Abah told us that they were referred to Hopital Kuala Lumpur for chemotherapy. I said: "Ya Allah. Please let this be possible. She'll be alright. Mak deserves treatment."

I remember when Hospital Kuala Lumpur and Hospital Ipoh confirmed that chemotherapy is not possible due to her liver complication, I said: "Ya Allah. Why Mak have to face this rejection after rejection? Why she have to endure this pain...?"

I remember when Ipoh Specialist confirmed that radiotherapy is possible, I said: "Alhamdulillah, Ya Allah... There's hope. There's hope". At that moment, I did consider to resign and dedicate all my time nursing Mak. But then Mak decided to 'spent her time' at her sister's home.

I remember every second watching Mak's condition worsened. I remember every last conversation we had. I remember Mak telling me that she's been told to have only few weeks to live. I remember Mak's concern about my wedding. I remember all the pain and the tears from Mak and my family...

I remember the day we rushed to Malacca when Mak's condition was getting worse and I said to myself: "This is it... The time has come. This is reality. She's going...". After that week, I visited Mak almost every week. [Read more: http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/02/masanya-semakin-hampir-its-final-moment/ ]

I remember my final visit and my final rasionale conversation with Mak [after that Mak no longer talk much]. Mak said: "Jaga adik-adik bila Mak dah takdak", and I replied: "Mak jangan risau. Sekarang pun Eni jaga adik-adik". And my life suddenly centered into fullfiling every bit of it. Sometime I wonder if I have fullfill her will.

I remember making decision to go to Malacca on 27 February 2009. I was fated to go to Malacca, actually. I remember caressing her forehead with water and Mak's hair fell between my fingers... I had no thoughts, at all. Time stopped.

I remember the final moment with Mak and the chance Allah gave to me to take care of her on that final day. I remember apologizing to my youngest brother for letting him see Mak's condition that final night. I remember sending Mak to the Emergency Room with hope. I remember visiting Mak at Hospital Melaka and I said to myself: "She'll be fine and she will be discharged ASAP". She did --- She was discharged to her Creator. [Read more: http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/03/janjinya-yang-pasti/ ]

More on:
http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/03/dari-dalam-hati/
http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/04/selepas-sebulan/

It's been a year and her presence and absence lingers around me.
Al-Fatihah...

Wassalam.

Comments

atreyu strange said…
I have been through difficult times like this before.. And until today, I still shed tears thinking of her.. I think she is here, with me, within me. I think your mum is within you too. Don't disappoint her, babe!
Nisha said…
Allah never tests us more than we can endure. I have experience w similar news, lived thru chemo effects on my mom, fortunately she is still with us. I'd be at lost without her. Being a single mom, she is the one who's still gluing us together. Your parents have raised you well, and for that, I'm sure Allah will keep your mom in safe place. My condolences to you and al-fatihah for yr mom. May Allah bless her soul.amin.
InsyaAllah everything will b ok, just keep praying n never lose hope k. Just because it's hope that gives us strength :)

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