Dead Decision

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I said: It's time to do something for myself. And now I'm hearing a voice singing this phrase from Reflection (I prefer Lea Salonga's version in Mulan):

"...Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family's heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Especially the part: "That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart".

I am weighing options in my life. There's an urge to make decisions - that happen to have impact to people around me - tough decisions. It feels like I am riding on a very fast transportation without any destination; the GPS giving options of turn - and I can't even put my mind together to make a choice... yet I have to make decision fast. Arrrrrgghhhh!!!

I might explode, someday...

The problem is I can't shout it out - spill the beans. If I did, my family would be panic - because it's not normal for me to have this kind of problem; and it would make other person unease - me being the pushy snob.

If I can be burn, I'm already ashes. If I can explode, I'm already a black hole. At the end of every day, I feel so tired that my knees give up and I crawl - heart and soul - to bed.

Why oh why.

What's worse, this situation leaves me a selfish woman. I can sense that when no longer can take control of it, my mind will be in charged. She will not be that kind for less beneficial options. I know her well. She's the most defensive creature I have ever known.

I don't want that to happen.

"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
Wassalam

Comments

Cedric said…
Are you thinking about buying a car? If you can afford, go for it la.. u old enough to make ur own dcsion.. Or for whatever it is, remember, its your life. Think wisely. Others are only helping hand not pointer.
10 November, 2009 14:39
'Aini said…
no, my dear. buying a car is not consider as dead decision... this is totally, absolutely, dead decision.. i'm pass tht horrible time.. hahaha
10 November, 2009 15:07
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