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Dead Decision

I said: It's time to do something for myself. And now I'm hearing a voice singing this phrase from Reflection (I prefer Lea Salonga's version in Mulan):

"...Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family's heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Especially the part: "That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart".

I am weighing options in my life. There's an urge to make decisions - that happen to have impact to people around me - tough decisions. It feels like I am riding on a very fast transportation without any destination; the GPS giving options of turn - and I can't even put my mind together to make a choice... yet I have to make decision fast. Arrrrrgghhhh!!!

I might explode, someday...

The problem is I can't shout it out - spill the beans. If I did, my family would be panic - because it's not normal for me to have this kind of problem; and it would make other person unease - me being the pushy snob.

If I can be burn, I'm already ashes. If I can explode, I'm already a black hole. At the end of every day, I feel so tired that my knees give up and I crawl - heart and soul - to bed.

Why oh why.

What's worse, this situation leaves me a selfish woman. I can sense that when no longer can take control of it, my mind will be in charged. She will not be that kind for less beneficial options. I know her well. She's the most defensive creature I have ever known.

I don't want that to happen.

"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"


Cedric said…
Are you thinking about buying a car? If you can afford, go for it la.. u old enough to make ur own dcsion.. Or for whatever it is, remember, its your life. Think wisely. Others are only helping hand not pointer.
'Aini said…
no, my dear. buying a car is not consider as dead decision... this is totally, absolutely, dead decision.. i'm pass tht horrible time.. hahaha

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