Friday, February 26, 2010

Journey


Assalamualaikum,

I arrived at Malacca approximately 0630 this morning. 30 minutes late. The second driver was slower than the first one --- I notice few scary overtake throughout the journey. It was raining last night and I feel exceptionally happy about that. The fact is that I have a very good connection with rain.

Anyway, I started to feel lonely traveling alone. It’s always just me, a book and MP3s in my C905. It was boring; I dozed off before entering the Penang Bridge. This time, I’m traveling with my birthday present from Kak Hairi --- Like the Flowing River, So Yi-jung --- my beloved sunbae and as I mentioned earlier the MP3s --- I hate the fact that my You Are Beautiful OST can’t loop and I have to play it manually one after another.

I notice that Malacca has become a place so familiar. I don’t even have to think which door to take at Malacca Central --- I know exactly where I am going. I’m guessing, one day the KBES guys will notice me and if miracle happens, they might actually save a ticket to Malacca on seat 13 for me. Hahahaha~

From Malacca with Love! Muacks :D

Some mental note I made:

- The RapidPenang: Must go out by 2230. 304 go straight to the Sungai Nibong Bus Terminal. So does 303.
- Never choose seat 19 or 22! Never!
- I need an iPod, ASAP.
- I need a reading LED, please consider it.
- Do not spray perfume on the blanket --- it almost killed the passengers :p

Wassalam.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Small World

Assalamualaikum,

A Fadli added me as his friend in Facebook. He said I was in his mail listing dated back almost 8 years ago. Hmm... Sound too good to be truth. How young I was, 19 years? Apparently, he forwarded my last email. Guess what, he is my matriculation senior! Oh wait... he was my group's facilitator, too. That's why I have his email address. [Now I remember waiting for his reply, which is until it's forgotten...]

We met during orientation week. I remember that he was a cool facilitator, not fussy and very much sporting. His talk was motivated; he actually introduced me [us] H.M Tuah Iskandar's Membina Imaginasi Cemerlang. We were told that he is among the best student. The best part was we were the winning group :) When other group performed typical performances, we performed a coral speaking.

I screen through his profile for some updates. Well, he was so charming back then and we stop contacting each other after 3 emails. I'd like to know what happen to him, what he become. The profile picture is a bald guy, anyway. Hahaha. "KC Fadli" triggered something and his photo explains everything.

Oh Em Gee!

He is the Twilight Guy I met few months ago at Borders. Now I know why he looks so familiar, I swear he looks soooo familiar. Oh by the way, he was Ayu's course mate. I have to agree with Rini, the world is small indeed. I was mentioning his name last few days, saying that I regretted not asking his contact details --- I would like to borrow some books from him.

The only thing I recall about Abang Fadli was that he's a sweetheart and he caught my attention. The KC I met that day was... still a sweetheart and he did caught my attention. Hahahahahahahaha! The only less charming detail is he read boring titles :p " What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet " sound [literally] truer.

Look, it's not old flame stuff and no, no spark ok.
Both Fadli and KC caught my attention differently. Fadli was a senior who motivate me. Aren't juniors supposed to be charmed by seniors? [Hahahaha, it's another typical and silly explanation, I know] KC on the other hand caught my attention when he confessed for being a Twilight Saga fan! You will not find a guy-fan of Twilight, who actually agrees with all girls for having our eyes on Edward Cullen. And me, being a Twilight Saga fanatic, can't help myself but to feel fond of him :D

Life is full of surprises. Be prepared and look around the corner!

Wassalam.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Girl

Assalamualaikum,

I don't understand why people keep pushing their luck on my patience and self-control. Do they seriously believe that "endure" and "patience" are my middle name? Did I look so strong, like this heart of mine could beat the strength into my soul? Did they really believe I have extraordinary self-control ability?

I learnt to wear masks, put on different hats and different shoes because it is necessary and I wanted to be a better person. It was not for anyone's conveniences. I was born a normal baby and even though I grew up being perfectionist, I am not perfect. I have my instinct, my attitude, and my habit --- not all pleasing to all.

I perfected myself with learnable knowledge. Knowledge is just for guidelines, a standard, and references. What made it happen are will, determination and discipline. Those are hard to gain, even harder to maintain. But, the hardest would be being patience and in self-control all the time --- especially when being normal made me less optimum for my survival. Admit it, being lovable to most open yourself to predator who thinks they can chew you.

Oh how I would like to make the predators' life miserable!
I really want to turn their world upside down. I want to chew them back and let them know what this lovely 'Aini can do. I want to hate every cell of them and when I'm done, they'll learn their lesson. The sweetest part is, I can and I am good at making other life miserable.

But anger and hatred is so ugly and hurting people --- it's tempting but the satisfaction last only a moment before you regret it.

I'm not being hypocrite or holding back my feeling. I can doesn't mean that I have to. I am more than just good and bad quality. I have akal given by Allah. I chose to be this 'Aini and I will not let some low life creature destroy everything.

So people out there, be careful of what you are wishing for. You can never know what lies in the core. Appreciate chances given and don’t push people to their limit.
Wassalam.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Mak --- 1 Year

Assalamualaikum,

This coming 28 February will mark one year of Mak's decease. It has been one year... 12 long months without Mak. Everything feels so new, so fresh... like it was yesterday.

There were moments carved forever inside me --- in my mind and my heart. Those moments were the moments that changed every single sense of my existence. To tell you the truth, as a normal and average human being, I never foresee any of those moment ever going to occur in my life.

I remember the day Abah told us about the possibility of the cancer growing inside Mak's lung. I said: "The probability is 50-50... The test will come out negative. It will be another misdiagnosed and Mak will apparently have another minor complication".

I remember the day it was confirmed. I said: "Ya Allah. Could this happen to Mak? Could this happen to me? There must be a way out of this. Besides, the doctor said it was still in stage 1. There will be hope... Mak will have her chance."

I remember the day at Institut Jantung Negara (IJN), when the doctor was explaining about the possibility of an operation. I said: "Alhamdulillah Ya Allah. There's hope." Mak was glowing.

I remember the day Achik called me from IJN --- operation is not possible, the cell is too near to her heart and her liver complication made her fragile to the medication and anesthetic. Achik said Mak was so calm. I cried and said: "Ya Allah. What have Mak did that she has to face this?"

I remember when Mak and Abah told us that they were referred to Hopital Kuala Lumpur for chemotherapy. I said: "Ya Allah. Please let this be possible. She'll be alright. Mak deserves treatment."

I remember when Hospital Kuala Lumpur and Hospital Ipoh confirmed that chemotherapy is not possible due to her liver complication, I said: "Ya Allah. Why Mak have to face this rejection after rejection? Why she have to endure this pain...?"

I remember when Ipoh Specialist confirmed that radiotherapy is possible, I said: "Alhamdulillah, Ya Allah... There's hope. There's hope". At that moment, I did consider to resign and dedicate all my time nursing Mak. But then Mak decided to 'spent her time' at her sister's home.

I remember every second watching Mak's condition worsened. I remember every last conversation we had. I remember Mak telling me that she's been told to have only few weeks to live. I remember Mak's concern about my wedding. I remember all the pain and the tears from Mak and my family...

I remember the day we rushed to Malacca when Mak's condition was getting worse and I said to myself: "This is it... The time has come. This is reality. She's going...". After that week, I visited Mak almost every week. [Read more: http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/02/masanya-semakin-hampir-its-final-moment/ ]

I remember my final visit and my final rasionale conversation with Mak [after that Mak no longer talk much]. Mak said: "Jaga adik-adik bila Mak dah takdak", and I replied: "Mak jangan risau. Sekarang pun Eni jaga adik-adik". And my life suddenly centered into fullfiling every bit of it. Sometime I wonder if I have fullfill her will.

I remember making decision to go to Malacca on 27 February 2009. I was fated to go to Malacca, actually. I remember caressing her forehead with water and Mak's hair fell between my fingers... I had no thoughts, at all. Time stopped.

I remember the final moment with Mak and the chance Allah gave to me to take care of her on that final day. I remember apologizing to my youngest brother for letting him see Mak's condition that final night. I remember sending Mak to the Emergency Room with hope. I remember visiting Mak at Hospital Melaka and I said to myself: "She'll be fine and she will be discharged ASAP". She did --- She was discharged to her Creator. [Read more: http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/03/janjinya-yang-pasti/ ]

More on:
http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/03/dari-dalam-hati/
http://in-mind.blog.friendster.com/2009/04/selepas-sebulan/

It's been a year and her presence and absence lingers around me.
Al-Fatihah...

Wassalam.

Simple Happiness :)

Assalamualaikum,

"Thank you lovely guy on my desktop... for smiling at me every morning and always."

"Thank you charming guy on my hand phone screen... for smiling at me lovingly."

"Yes, I'd be happy to be your flower... forever."

Above are all my credits and response to So Yi-jung, a character from Boys Over Flowers' drama (Kim Beum). He is the guy on my desktop and hand phone screen. Somehow, his smile makes me happy and warmth my heart.

I might be [naturally] a sad person, but I find happiness in the smallest and simplest event. In the darkest of night, I see stars twinkle so bright. In the hottest of daylight, I see flowers blooming and birds chirping lovely song. In the wettest of rain, it ends the drought and all sorrow washed away. Even in sad movies, and sad songs and sad writings; there are great moments you can enjoy.

Life is so full of wonderful things, if you choose to be satisfied with all you have and all you can gain for.

Wassalam.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Needing a Family

Assalamualaikum,

Back to work after 4 days holiday. I feel rusty. I wake up this morning alone in my room and I'm missing waking up in a home, with a family.

Waking up at home last Monday spoilt me. I miss waking up to Hakimi's voice: "Mak Long... bangun la" and his morning kiss --- he's the only opposite sex I can demand for kiss. I miss Syifa's "ta ta ta" and cries --- my sweet Bubble. I miss every bit of argument I have with my sibling. I miss us, watching Korean drama all day --- we were watching You Are Beautiful.

Furthermore, I miss my grandma, my aunties, my uncles and my cousins. I received a MMS of my favorite cousins with my favorite aunty. Gosh! Why do we have to live in different state...?

I'm the girl who always bound to my family. My life embraced by blood ties and unconditional love from each family member. Being with family makes me stronger and wiser. Even without knowing, family soothes every pain I endure.

Being a far from family, I feel exceptionally lonely. It is even more when there's a hollow in my heart --- that's from you, my dear~.
Wassalam.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The February Note

Assalamualaikum,

I've been in a very bad shape this week --- So negative and melancholic. If my sanity could be represented by a glass ball, I can say that it was scattered into gazillion pieces. I don't know... somehow this year's February is so sad. I was in denial. Being a happy girl I refuse to let myself fall back into the sadness. But the truth is, stepping into February torn me without me realizing it. My unconscious mind marked February as "sad" and "loss" and I let that perception control me.

Admitting and sharing always help. I am the one who can't just sit down silently with all these crazy stuff going on inside of me. So here, I'd like to thanked all my listeners [and readers if I may say, for some of them read and reply to me]. Thank you for being a shoulder for a jerk named 'Aini... for attending to my whining and idiocy. And to everyone impacted by my mood swings; I am so very sorry for my unusual and inappropriate self during this February. I am a perfectionist, but I am not perfect.

There will be no excuses for bad behavior, so I am not trying to give one. I predicted a wave of good and bad mood until the end of February. So I am apologizing for each day that follows after today. Please consider it as my bad hair days. Should I hurt you, or do anything or say anything bad, please remember I never ever mean any of it. If I told you anything negative that you know I’d never say, just ignore it --- it’s purely emotional and a lie.

For those who might be worry;
InsyaAllah, I'll be fine.
I'll fight and I'll pull myself through all these crazy going on.
I'll listen to the saddest songs I can find until my heart bleed. When there's no more to bleed, it'll stop.
I'll cry, because that is a normal thing to do. When the tears washed away my sorrow, I'll smile.
I’ll put up a sour mask most of the time. When I see wrinkles in the mirror, I’d freak out and I’ll prefer the expression lines.

I believe that would be all. Before I sound like a whining [cute] girl [haha], or this sound like a crap note, I better stop.

To my Care Bears, love you all!

Wassalam,

Thursday, February 11, 2010

High Heels’ Tale

Assalamualaikum,

I slept at 10 pm and had a long 7 hours sleep last night. Sleeping at 10 pm on work day --- that is unusual and I am having a hard time to sleep lately. Anyway, I dreamt weird dreams --- I can't remember most of it, but there was dragon involves and Ayu, she was talking about DNA. Ha ha ha. So I wake up confused, searching my closet for a decent outfit, thinking that I seriously need new clothes and thinking about having a cup of warm tea before going to work.

"The flats of the high heels?", I ask.
"The high heels", I decided.
And here I am wearing the high heels that are biting me. While walking, I thought why on this earth am I wearing these high heels again. I should never ever wear any shoe that hurt my feet. I heard a click then: "Well done 'Aini. It's just like your relationship".

The first time I wear this high heels, everything was fine. Maybe it is because I wore it for only a short of time. The second time I wore it, I walk a longer distance and it started to hurt me. Not only that, this pair of high heels slowed me down and almost not practical. But I told myself this is just a matter of time. I'll get use to it. I wear it the next day and my feet hurt badly. I barely can walk back home. The next day, I switch back to my old pair flats --- hoping my feet to heal. Silently, I plan to toss the high heels back into its box and hide it somewhere I can forget. But you know, high heels are so tempting and I never learn any lesson. I think my feet are swollen as I'm writing this entry and I don't know if I'll take it off half way today!

Did the tale of me and my high heels sound familiar?

I wake up today feeling this relationship like walking down a runway with a pair of uncomfortable high heels. It hurts, it makes my feet swell, it made me cry, and it made me vulnerable… I once told myself that I should never wear shoes that hurt my feet. [That's why I wear flats all these years]. But here I am with the pair of high heels.

It hurts but I will continue walking in it until the day my feet too swollen to walk. Then I will stop.


Wassalam.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Quick Relieve


Assalamualaikum,

It's been a while.
Piles of task are reaching my inbox.
Tons of issues require solution.
Need to flush these from my system, ASAP!
Ideas... there are plenty of them waiting to be publish.
Plus, there have been some ups and downs in my life lately. Some of it was Corkscrew's 360-head-over-head turn. It's 'fun' and I'm having fun :p

On the other hand, I’d like to release few things from my mind. If not, you might read the newspaper headline that read “Brain Explode!” :D

Decision made is a decision made. You can't undo it no matter how hard the outcome. The only option is to experience every moment of it or to make reasonable correction.

A love said is a love said. Once you love, you don't and can't stop loving. You cry, you hate, and you take a break. But promises and commitment tied by love is tougher than you thought.

Your life could be hard --- you define it. I said my life is simple and beautiful, but nobody says it will be easy. Life should offer you education, not regret. Learn!

And, when a heart miss her other half, she really mean it.

Wassalam.