The Self I Want to Be VS The Woman I Want My Daughter to Be


It's a long title, it's raw from my mind and it's exactly what I think. It took me few days to figure it out. The nag that bothers me so much was indeed a battle between who I wanted to be versus the woman I wanted my daughter to be. [Yes, I am aware that 'daughter' is a big word...]

It's been tough and I feel sort of down the road. So I was thinking; oh whatever, I can't be okay all the time. I just want to sit down, quit doing everything, quit holding on and just cry my heart out and scream "life is suck!!!". I had this idea; I have been strong all this while and maybe it is okay to breakdown and cry now. When I'm done with all the crying part, then I'll be fine.

But on the contrary, if I were to write a handbook to my daughter, I'd want her to overcome all this feeling the soonest she can. I'd be cruel enough to forbid her from ever thinking about breaking down -- most probably by influencing that those negative thinking did no good at all. I'd want her to be a fighter, a strong woman that opens others' eyes.

Hmm... I sound more of a commander than a mother, do I? Hehehehe.

So, it is like this:

I want to feel miserable about my life.
I most probably will tell my daughter that it is okay to feel that life is miserable.
But I'd want her to be more positive about it, be grateful and see the hikmah behind everything.

I want to 'enjoy' this heartbreak I am having.
I most probably will tell my daughter that heartbreak happens all the time and that it is normal to feel sad.
But I'd prefer her to take the least time to think about it.

I want to quit my life and my role and my responsibilities and run away to a place nobody knows me.
I most probably will share with my daughter that she can take her time to think of any issue.
But I wouldn't want her to run away and left our family and her responsibilities.

I just want to be a normal girl, with normal reaction and normal everything.
I'd share with my daughter that she can be normal if she wants to because I can understand that.
But I'd want my daughter to be the best, instead.

I want to be childish -- to hate certain place, certain food, certain songs, certain garments, certain events, to do childish stuff.
I might sometime do childish stuff with my daughter or encourage her to do it too.
But I'd really prefer her to stay mature most of the time.

I think too much, I know.

Have you ever feel so much connected with any song? I bet everyone does. My song would be Christina Aguilera's Reflection...
*** I must write this down on the first page of my daughter's handbook: "I must not expect more than I am capable of doing" and "It's easier to say than to do". ***

Christina Aguilera

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show Who I am inside?


Hairi said…
My favorite song of all time, and yes...i feel connected to it in certain ways.
And yes, most of us feel like that, hoping that our daughters later are going to be a perfect and strong woman when all the while, we're not as strong growing up. The best thing to do is be who you are and you'll see the daughters become a stronger person knowing that you're just human :)
'Aini said…
Well, I just learnt that I am just another broken-hearted girl, injured and bleeding... huhuhuhu.

I am only human~

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