Sunday, March 29, 2015

Home


Assalamualaikum,

Telur hancur, kentang lecek dan air koko. Bersarapan seorang diri hari ni. Hakim, Isma dan anak-anak pergi Pulau Pinang awal pagi ini. I'm going back to Penang as well after almost a week. Entah jam berapa tidak pasti. Susah sedikit mahu "keluar" dari rumah ni kalau dah masuk. Rahmat dan hikmah dalam ujian kesihatan kali ni - dapat meluangkan masa di Taiping selama 6 hari. Memang patut pun memandangkan aku dah gunapakai cuti minggu lepas untuk aktiviti di Penang.
Pagi yang sunyi tanpa anak-anak.

After Mak passed away, even after Abah remarried, it is the kids that make this house a home. Rumah jadi berseri-seri dengan kehadiran Isma dan anak-anak. Aku pernah beritahu Isma, it would be hard to come home if they weren't here. Everything feels right with them in the equation. Walaupun aku tak tinggal di rumah ni, ketiadaan mereka sangat-sangat dirasai. Sebab tu setiap kali cuti sekolah dan Hari Raya, aku agak cuak kalau-kalau mereka mahu ke mana-mana. Ya, I have that controlling side :p

Dosed with painkiller, I spent most of my time resting and observing the kids. Kali ni Maklong biar je anak-anak tonton apa saja. Tenaga semua difokuskan untuk menahan sakit dan tak menangis. Sumayyah yang rajin bertanya: "Gigi Maklong sakit lagi ke?". Ambil berat sungguh dia. Hahaha. Walaupun mereka sangat aktif - Umar siap langgar aku dengan basikalnya masa aku tidur - it feels comfortable to sleep in the middle of the chaos. Ada satu petang tu, Syifa balik dari tadika dan buka buku untuk buat kerja sekolah. *That* moment is one of my favorite moment. (I try to find pictures of Hakimi helping Syifa with her schoolwork... tapi tak jumpa! That was one precious moment.) Ada satu perasaan istimewa setiap kali aku tengok anak-anak ni buat kerja sekolah. It tells me how much the time has flies. It reminds me to focus more on my family; or else I am so going to missed all the important moments.

Being away is hard. Choosing not to come home to commit with my volunteer work is harder. Every time. Walaupun InshaAllah setiap detik disumbangkan dengan ikhlas dan untuk kebaikan, sakitnya tu *di sini*. That is why each event that I volunteered is serious business for me. I am using my quality time; masa yang keluarga aku berhak untuk tuntut. Satu cabaran untuk perantau macam aku. Sometimes I envy people who can contribute more than I can and can go home to their family after that. Sangat cemburu.

Semoga Allah izinkan aku untuk mempunyai keluarga - baitul muslim. Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.
Okaylah, nak bersiap untuk balik Pulau Pinang.

Wassalam


Friday, March 27, 2015

From High Heels to Sport Shoes


Assalamualaikum,

千里之行,始於足下
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
- Lao Tzu

Yes. It all begins with a single step. In my case, it also consists of all the rejection I made in the past.
I have very less interest to involve in sports and running is the last thing on my mind. I don’t hate it; I just don’t run. That is my limit.
When I finally took the challenge and ran my first 7 km, the boundary blurred out. Before I know it, I have surpasses my target this year to run 10 km: I have run 12 km!
Taking the first step begins a journey; but you need a good companion to stays on it and to finish it. I am lucky to have a supportive team in the form of Revert Sports Club (RSC).
RSC not only provide me all the support a beginner needs, they also open up the opportunity to spread dakwah and good messages via sports.

How to start a sport (or a healthier lifestyle):

1. Made up your mind – Stop making excuses and put on the sport shoes
2. Do it now – It’s now or never. Until you try something new, you don’t know your limit
3. Sign up – An event (e.g.: running), a sports club (RSC!), a gym, a healthy community (Zumba!). Anything that suits you and can assists you as a beginner
4. Commit – Get involve, build yourself, be a part of the team. Get active, keep fit and stays healthy with your new friends
5. Discipline – Must be consistent and persistent to maintain healthy lifestyle

Inspire!

Abah, my sister in law and now my youngest brother has started to jog. Ya! ^______^

Wassalam

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Si Kecil Bernama Wisdom


"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West

Assalamualaikum,

Memang tak pernah faham kenapa gigi geraham bongsu disebut sebagai "wisdom tooth". Hahaha. Tapi selepas pembedahan kecil untuk mengeluarkan salah satu gigi geraham bongsu semalam, I think I can understand the wisdom part a little bit better. Yes. I had my wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. It was definitely a journey full of wisdom! A minor oral surgery - with document to sign, local anesthetic, *drilling* and stitching. Lebih lagi bila bangun pagi tadi dengan rahang kanan yang bengkak dan sakit - one cheek chipmunk, indeed.

Dental stuff makes me nervous. Menunggu giliran di Jabatan Pembedahan Mulut, Hospital Pulau Pinang adalah sangat mendebarkan. Even scarier than a morgue, I told Mr. T. Bagus juga dapat berbual ringan dengan beliau. The conversation distracted me from the uneasy feeling. While I was driving to hospital, I told myself that I can undergo this procedure. This is nothing compare to child birth (!). Sebab tu aku ketawa kecil ketika menandatangani dokumen pembedahan kecil - macam nak undergo C-section. Hehehe.

Alhamdulillah, Allah mempermudahkan urusan aku. Ditakdirkan juga dapat doktor dan Pembantu Perubatan yang baik. Dr. Rebecca dan Encik Pembantu Perubatan memainkan peranan yang sangat penting dalam prosedur ni. It doesn't make it less horror, but they make a better third molar extraction experience for me. Terbaring di situ dengan goggle merah (can you guess why it is red?) dan tangan yang menggeletar, I don't need more pressure from my environment. Both of them were very sweet, gentle and positive. Not only that, they are very skillful. I *believe* I am in good hands.

Sesetengah daripada kita agak skeptikal dengan fasiliti kerajaan. Aku pun, pada mulanya. Tapi perkhidmatan yang ditawarkan di Hospital Pulau Pinang amat baik. Tidak ada rungutan and it only cost me RM55. Same procedure would cost me around RM600 in private dental facility - with same story and after surgery effect minus waiting time. And I have heard "stories" about it. Semuanya bergatung kepada rezeki.

I have survive the procedure. Sekarang nak tunggu gusi dan rahang pulih pulak. The moment the anesthetic effect wears off, the procedure seems nothing. Hahaha. Sakit betul rahang dan gusi. I am so hungry and I am near gastritis - especially with painkiller - but I just can't eat properly. Merasa la makan makanan bayi berusia 6 bulan... malam tadi kisar nasi dengan kentang yang digoreng dengan bawang merah dan bawang putih. Sedap, tapi tak berselera. Pagi tadi bersarapan dengan nestum saja. Sekarang sedang fikir nak kisar nasi dengan apa pulak - carrot maybe?
Sakit pun perlu kreatif :)

Wisdom - Nanti fikir lepas sakit kurang lagi.

Wassalam.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Waiting Places


"The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!"

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Paper Cut


Because it still hurts. Because to love like *that* still hurts. Because the thought of committing into *that* type of relationship still send me towards the edge of a cliff. A long way to fall.

My battle scars are paper cuts. Quick and clean. All over my heart.
A cut too tiny to be tended profusely, but the pain is too significant to ignore.

Luckily, like paper cut, it doesn't happen every day; it doesn't happen that often. It doesn’t give rational reason to avoid paper.

But it still hurts.


Sunday, March 15, 2015

20%

Assalamualaikum,

This weekend I was blessed with the chance to attend a dakwah training. Furthermore, Allah has granted my wish to ask for dakwah tips for introverts from the speaker.

But what I am going to share in this entry is his advice about marriage - tips cari jodoh. Dari jauh tips ni datang, spontan dan tiba-tiba masa beliau menjawab soalan aku.

Katanya, forget about background. As if to say, don't think too much. Tak perlu nak fikir banyak sangat tentang kriteria. Marriage is not build only with a 100% perfect person. Tak ada manusia yang sempurna dalam dunia ni. If a person is 80% good (Islamic-comply), accept him/her and hold on to that 80%. The 20% ambiguous about him/her is what a married couple should work for. Meaning, that is where we completes each other.

We fall in love with opposite strength; we go home to live with opposite weaknesses. Terasa rangkap ni sangat siknifikan hari ni. Earlier today, someone said something similar to this - about complementing each other. It hits very close to home as I am in a deep thought about this matter. No proposal, just a provocative question that I believe is worth to think of. Might save the time in the future… Who knows kan?

Complementing each other is only one the thing in that 20%. Kita perlu juga beri komitmen terhadap sesuatu perhubungan. Commitment is a strong word, because it represent your presence. You can only fulfill your responsibility if you are *presence* in the relationship. You need to be presence to value your relationship - through hardships, wrinkles and boroi. So that you don't just have a change of heart over petty stuff.

Have you ever feel like you are following a trail of clues, but in the same time you are aware that you’re clueless? Welcome to the club.

Wassalam.


Thursday, March 12, 2015

A Better Perspective for A Better Fight

Assalamualaikum,

“This is not stress. This is a person managing new challenges in her life.”

In this office, we almost never use the word "problem". It is always and strongly recommended to use "issue". It is because, "problem" will make people to react defensively while "issue" suggests the need to discuss. Potato, potahto? Well, it makes a lot of differences.

Issue: an important topic or problem for debate or discussion
Problem: a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.

Handling this latest *challenge* after being touched by anxiety, I find this technique very helpful. Alhamdulillah. All Praise be to Allah. I can't think properly if I keep falling apart. I will survive, somehow, but it will be me against two elements: 1) The pressure and 2) the act of pulling and holding myself together throughout the process. I just can't afford to spend more energy unnecessarily...

So I told my almost-anxious self that this is just a new challenge - like any other challenges in life - that I need to manage. No need to freak out. No need to worry. All I need to do is treat it as I normally do - with plans and *style*. After long hours of negotiation, myself and I believe that is a good way to see this through. (Note: Ya... I have conversation with myself ;p)

I am not an expert. This is just a sharing. This is my cognitive reframing initiative - might not be accurate, but that's the idea. Sometime all we need is a new perspective, a more positive perspective. Solution or the escape door will come after that. I always try to avoid running around in dark hoping for glowing "exit" sign on the door to lead me.

Whoever walks out alive - bruised and bleeding or unscathed - is the winner. But don't we all want something better?

Wassalam.


Monday, March 9, 2015

Asam Pedas dan Senyuman Manjamu

Izinkan saya untuk jiwang sakan hari ini ^_____^

Kenapa saya suka lagu ni? Sebab lagu ni padan dengan perasaan saya.
The first attribute I usually notice in a person is SMILE. I like people with sincere smile. Senyuman yang bila kita tengok sekali pun dah jatuh sayang. Siap dengan mata pun tersenyum sekali. It is as if we are seeing the beautiful soul inside. The type of smile that makes you want to trade the world just to keep it on that face. The smile you want to spend the rest of your remaining life with.

*That* is the smile.
*That* is the person :)

Tajuk: Dengarlah Rindu
Penyanyi: Farhan Azizan
Lagu/Lirik: Nurzaidi Abd Rahman
Hakcipta: Gemerzik Music & Sound Works Sdn Bhd

Kau curi hatiku dengan senyum manjamu
Membuai hatiku yang lara
Tak perlu mencuba hanya biasa saja
Bagiku kau sungguh mempesona

Tak usah ditanya dari mana datang cinta
Hadirnya tidak pernah terpaksa
Dirimu itulah mana cintaku berada
Akan jadi milikmu selamanya

Sayang engkau dengarlah rinduku
Yang selalu berlagu untukmu
Cintaku tercipta pada dirimu saja
Tak akan berubah percayalah

Mereka kan tahu kisah ini akhirnya
Tentang cinta kita berdua
Bersama menempuh semua dugaannya
Ku akan di sisimu selamanya


Sunday, March 8, 2015

This Close



I am *this* close to quit
But that is not me
I don't easily quit

I am not a quitter

Frustration makes me
want to quit
Confusion makes me
want to quit
Anger makes me
want to quit
No!
I can't quit
I am too proud
to give up
and quit

I am not a quitter

But everything has
expiry date
And the expiry date on my patience
wears of day by day

I am *this* close to quit
But that is not me
I don't easily quit
I am not a quitter

Rant on Ahmad Ziyad and the Guys

Takde kaitan. I just love dinosaurs and especially *this*
Hahahahahaha :p
Emosional betul dengan pengakhiran drama bersiri "Asam Pedas Untuk Dia" hari ni. Eeeeeeee. Geramnya dengan Ahmad Ziyad. Larat dia biar je Syafinas herdik Ainin Sofiya macam tu. My goodness! Hello Encik Ziyad, Ainin tu *isteri* awak tau walaupun awak rahsia dan sorokkan. Tak berasa dayus ke berperangai macam tu? Si Ainin tu pun dah kenapa? Terima je perangai si Ziyad yang macam tu. Ish. Sengal.
Bengkak hati.

Memang tak boleh la dengan lelaki yang langsung tak boleh diharapkan untuk mempertahankan wanita. Bukanlah mesti jadi hebat dalam seni mempertahankan diri dan sebagainya. When I said protect, not just physically but also emotionally dan mentally. Macam kes Ahmad Ziyad hari ni. I wish he would say something to Syafinas. Even if Ainin is not his wife, Syafinas's attitude is *unacceptable* to other human being. Pffftt. And ewwwww.

It's okay if he is not perfect. I am not perfect too. It's okay is he could not throw punches effectively and would lose a fight. It's okay if he is so timid, people would occasionally make fun of him. It's okay if he is not a man of power. It's okay if he is clumsy.

As long as he can make me feel safe. Cukuplah kalau seorang lelaki boleh buat seorang wanita berasa selamat. Perasaan yakin yang kita boleh harapkan si dia bila-bila masa je. Bukanlah sampai tak boleh berenggang. He don't have to be there, but you know he is always *there* for you. Faham?

Dalam hidup aku, antara perasaan yang aku tak suka ialah perasaan yang aku terpaksa berhadapan dengan sesuatu keadaan seorang diri. The feeling of someone stepping out from the ring, leaving me alone. *Ditinggalkan*. Keadaan macam tu sangat sedih. Huhuhu. I definitely do not like the person -- boy or girl -- that makes me feel like that. Orang macam tu akan buat aku nampak lebih berusia, menyebabkan kulit aku kering dan aku hilang seri. In short, they upset me.

Enough with my rant. Nak fokus tonton drama. Sebenarnya nak ignore kain baju yang perlu dilipat. Hahaha. Dengan perangai macam *ni* macam mana lah nak dapat calon suami terbaik kan. ‘Aini oh ‘Aini.

xoxo

Saturday, March 7, 2015

MH370: Setahun dan Masih Mencari

Assalamualaikum,

Masih ingat bagaimana anda menerima berita kehilangan MH370? Though I don't have vivid memory about it, but it will forever be in my mind.

8 Mac 2014 adalah pagi Sabtu yang tipikal. I think I overslept a bit after Fajr prayer. Terbangun kerana perlu mengecas telefon bimbit. Rancangan Nasi Lemak Kopi O sedang bersiaran. Sebaik sahaja duduk di sofa di ruang tamu, terdengar pengacara rancangan menyebut tentang kehilang pesawat MAS.

What?!

I was not paying attention to the show, so I thought I misheard the news. Rasa terhenti sekejap masa bila aku fokus betul-betul terhadap berita yang dibacakan. I quickly stood up to get my phone - to Google it. At that time, I don't even get the flight number correctly. But as wrong as the flight number could be, the search result was flooded with news about the missing of MH370.

Is this for real?
It must be some typical miscommunication, right?
The flight must have made emergency landing somewhere and waiting to be found and we're being unnecessarily panic about it... kan?

I am a fan of Air Crash Investigation on Discovery Channel. I have seen what happen to those flights and people. No way this is happening to a Malaysian flight. No. Aku tak dapat nak letakkan Malaysia dalam keadaan tersebut. I could not imagine how Malaysia would deal with this case. True enough, we were not in our best shape at the beginning of the crisis. But we improved throughout the timeline.

I remember being so emotional when I watched the press conference later on that day and each that passed -- with more press conference, angry family and relatives, a circus of attacking reporters, delicious conspiracy theory, endless professional discussion -- without one important thing: MH370. Well, I am still emotional up until today. But who doesn't, kan?

Melalui kehilangan M370 lah kita belajar banyak perkara... Tentang dunia penerbangan, khususnya. Tentang undang-undang antarabangsa. Tentang kerenah birokrasi di peringkat yang lebih tinggi. Tentang teknologi. Tentang keselamatan negara kita. Tentang negara kita, rakyat yang kita kongsi bumi dan langit bersama, serta masyarakat yang tinggal di sekeliling kita. Kita mlihat siapa kawan dan siapa lawan; dengan siapa kita telah buat kawan melalui kebaikan telah kita lakukan.

Dan yang paling penting, kita beramai-ramai dibawa kembali mengingati Allah, Tuhan Pemilik Sekelian Alam.

Dah genap setahun.

I never thought the SAR will lasts for one year. I thought we will find it. Soon. I even dreamed of the day MH370 finally being found. But until today, there is no positive update about it. Not even a tiny piece of it. But we will continue to search. We will continue to pray to Allah for the best condition of the missing MH370.

MH370. Allah bersamamu. Doa kami juga bersamamu dan orang yang sayang kepadamu.

Wassalam.