Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Dear Anxiety

Assalamualaikum,

Dear Anxiety,

Two can play this game.
Bring it on.

Regards,
Me


This is the only thing I have in mind -- to fight this anxiety. Dah rasa bosan sebenarnya. On one evening, tiba-tiba shortness of breath lagi. Terus turun ke convenient store, beli ais krim.

I know what I need: 1) Help, and 2) Support.
I *am* reaching out for help.

It's the support part that sort of worries me. Tiba-tiba aku macam clueless nak reach out for support. Bukanlah tak ada support. I have the greatest family and friends. But... I guess I just don't know how to be on the receiving end. After a while, fighting and enduring has become so easy -- as easy as breathing -- that I forget there are other options.
When I reach out for support -- a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to -- I reach out hesitantly. It always come out as something that need to be read between the line. Rarely a clear 911 call.

People said, that I look too happy for anxiety. Well being happy does not make you immune to anxiety. Looks can be deceiving.
People asked, do I know the cause/source of this attack. I'd would say, this is the result for keeping most of everything inside. For insisting to endure whatever episodes in life alone. For playing strong even though I am standing with the last drop of strength. For being noble idiot.

Pertambahan usia (oooppss), office stress, hectic lifestyle -- these are the last grain of sand on the building tension.

Learn from me. Okay?
Okay lah. Nak sambung berperang dengan anxiety. Entri seterusnya kita cerita lagi.
Remember, whether it is heartbreak or anxiety, the drill is the same: you need to be healthy spiritually, mind, and body to win the fight.

Jangan berhenti berusaha ^_____^

Wassalam.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

|

|




 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Surprise in a Slice

Assalamualaikum,

I am still struggling with this round's asthma attack. The inhaler doesn't seem to make me feel better. I was struggling to breathe last night. Seharian semalam dah okay banyak, but towards the evening I started to experience mild short of breath. Lepas solat Maghrib, masa berjalan ke kereta untuk pergi kelas Hokkien aku dah mula rasa awful. I barely focus on the last night's lesson. Sampai je rumah terus nak collapse. Rasa nak merangkak naik tangga. Paksa batuk pun tak membantu. Inhaler pun tak membantu. Huhuhu.

Sedang marah-marah dengan "Vampire Diaries" (dalam semput pun masih bertenaga nak marah), Miss F keluar dari bilik dan beritahu ada orang bagi kek. A guy, katanya. Anybody can gifted me cake, but *a guy*? Takde lelaki yang tahu teratak indah ini. With limited supply of oxygen, my brain worked harder to process it. Belum habis fikir tapi tangan laju je ambil kotak kek Secret Recipe. Hahaha.

When I opened the box, I saw a slice of cake that look very similar to this:



Awwwwwww~!
Tipu betul la Bro K ni. He said the picture is only for display and that the cake has been eaten. He do know the location of this teratak indah. But I don't remember telling him exactly which floor or door. I can only imagine how he manages to deliver the cake.
Dalam keadaan yang masih semput tu, terus ambil sudu dan makan kek – Banana Chocolate Cake. So RSC. Hahaha. Baru je sebut-sebut nak makan. Alhamdulillah. Rezeki. Makan separuh je sebab semakin sukar nak bernafas.

Rindu Mak, asthma attack, alone as usual (not that I need anything special on my birthday pun) -- though not the worst birthday, it is not merry as well. Since I don't like surprise and I don't celebrate birthdays with cake, a surprise cake is the last thing I expected.

But Bro K's one slice cake surprise made my day.
Thanks Bro! You're the best.

Lepas simpan kek dalam peti sejuk, minum air suam sebagai inisiatif terakhir. Nak ke klinik, dah terlalu lewat. My roommate and housemates were all asleep. The last time I remember feeling as awful as this was during my first asthma attack. I was 10 or 11 years old at that time. It was Ateh's engagement day. I remember crawling to bed and barely lifted my eyelids when my family woke me up to take me to clinic. That was when I know I have asthma to add to my already long list of everything and the fact that the attack is triggered by allergies. Alhamdulillah, once in a very very blue moon je.
Memang betullah aku ni anak Abah yang paling susah dijaga :p

Going to the clinic, stat.


Wassalam.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Awesome 30 turn 13. I mean 31. Hahaha

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah. Hari ni ai berusia #13 tahun.
Ooopps tersilap. #31 tahun.
Terima kaseh untuk semua ucapan dan doa yang baik-baik. Semoga Allah beri kebaikan yang berlipat kali ganda lagi kepada anda.
Jom doa:
Wahai Rabb yang membolak-balikkan hati. Teguhkanlah hatiku pada agamaMU.
Berilah rahmat kepada usiaku dengan ketaatan kepadaMU, baguskanlah amalanku serta ampunilah dosa-dosaku.
Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.

'Meraikan' hari ini bersendirian ditengah ramai orang. Sejak malam tadi lagi dunia tiba-tiba terasa sunyi sepi. Mungkinkah kesan daripada 4 dos Salbutamol? Hahaha.
Menghabiskan detik-detik terakhir diusia 30 tahun dengan membaca diari. Not much to read, similar to this blog. But last twelve months were the busiest and the toughest so far. Not just less writing, membaca pun kurang. Yang bertambah hanya jumlah buku yang dibeli.

Walaupun kalut dengan pelbagai perkara, usia 30 adalah usia yang paling menenangkan. It feels right to be 30. Ia bukan lagi usia kategori muda - tambahan lagi bila you're not yet married - but I know I am comfortable in this 3-series skin. Maybe it is because I have an old soul... Macam Edward Cullen tu. Hahaha. I can finally be myself! Well, bukanlah sebelum ni jadi orang lain, tapi usia 20-an is just not my cup of tea. Too many conflicts, too many dramas, very less stability. When I turn 30, I have less to worry, less drama, less conflict, less grey area. Hidup lebih mudah. Erti dan falsafah hidup juga lebih mudah difahami dan dicapai.

Aku hanya mahu jadi hamba Allah.
Aku mahu jadi Khadijah Khuwailid.
I just want to be happy and make other people happy.
I want to give more; love more.
And be loved.

That's what I will continue to do. I'll just love.

31, Mak, dan Emosi
Ouch~!

Sedikit emosi hari ini. Rasa sangat rindu kepada Mak. Birthdays were meaningless after Mak's demise. Penat menyambut hari lahir di perantauan, jauh dari keluarga. Dan hari ini bertambah sedih bila aku rasa orang yang aku perlukan berada jauh dari sisi aku. I need a hug.

*That*... Perangai beremosi macam tu come with age. Hehehe.

Dah 31 tahun, 'Aini. Mesti jadi lebih baik.
Kalau usia Rasulullah jadi pengukurnya, sudah separuh usia digunakan. Dimanfaat, atau dibazirkan?
Tinggal separuh lagi – InshaAllah, kalau Allah izikan. Bakal dimanfaat, atau dibazirkan?

Wahai Rabb yang membolak-balikkan hati. Teguhkanlah hatiku pada agamaMU.
Berilah rahmat kepada usiaku dengan ketaatan kepadaMU, baguskanlah amalanku serta ampunilah dosa-dosaku.
Amiin Allahhumma Amiin.

Wassalam.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Penang Run 2014/2015 - Seberang Perai Tengah (SPT)

Assalamualaikum,

Medal pertama untuk tahun 2015.
Medal ketiga setakat ni.
Hadiah birthday!!! :)
Alhamdulillah. I completed my first Penang Run - SPT, my first 8 km and beat up all my records so far - 8 km for less than 1 hour! Crazy. Sungguh tak percaya. Hahaha. The motivation: water station that *supposedly* at the 4th km.

All the same.
The same doubt, the same nervousness, the same cold feet.
Seminggu yang amat sibuk. Asyik balik malam dalam keadaan cuaca yang hujan dan sejuk. By Tuesday I have started to show symptoms of asthma. Even malam sebelum larian pun masih sama, bertambah dengan simptom flu pulak.
Alhamdulillah, bangun keesokkan paginya rasa lebih sihat.

06:30 Fun Run flag off. Well, we missed it by few minutes.
Sebab risau tak dapat keep up dengan Miss J, aku lari bersungguh-sungguh dari awal. Berdesup lari tinggalkan Miss J dibelakang. Tu pun masih ditinggalkan jugak. Hahaha. Plannya, all out for the first 4 km (the *water station*), then slow down a bit for another 2 km and then I should be fine for the last 2 km.

It was early morning and I forgot to setup the running application, so I have no idea how far I have run. Sedang merungut dengan Miss J berkenaan water station yang tak kunjung tiba, we saw the "1 km to go" signboard. Rupanya takde water station di kilometer ke-4 and we have run 7 km! AKu tengok jam. Wow. Tak sangka mampu berlari selaju ini.

Before 07:30 dah sampai garisan penamat ^______^

Penang Run - SPT memang memori yang menarik. Sangat suka medal untuk half marathon. Haih. Boleh tengok je lah. Perlu lari 21 km tiga kali baru boleh dapat. Entah bila, entah bila.

Penang Run 2014/2015 Half Marathon Medal
Credit to: Mr. R :p


Isnin pagi... Dapat hadiah ni dari in-house doctor:

Inhaler pertama...
Hadiah birthday kedua ni. Huhuhu~






















Asma akhirnya menyerang. Kali ni no wheezing. So the doctor decide to put me on this treatment plan. Kata beliau, antara penyebab asma:
1. Cold weather
2. Allergies
3. Exercise
4. Laughing

And I didn't told her anything about Penang Run or how I was laughing my heart out yesterday.
#pasrah je lah.


Wassalam.


#GetFitWithRSC
#SpreadThePeace

My favorite!
Hahahahahaha~!